


A Land Not Mine

by theprosefool



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, Mass Effect 2, Sexual Content, Violence, horizon - Freeform, mShenko
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-24
Updated: 2013-07-16
Packaged: 2017-12-16 02:03:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 30,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/856508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theprosefool/pseuds/theprosefool
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After being dead for two years, there’s only one person Shepard wants to see.  So he writes a letter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> I really have no excuse for this. It’s needlessly long and ridiculous and probably dumb. I was just having a lot of feels about Horizon, and while I absolutely love how that played out in the game I wanted to explore what would happen if Shepard had put some effort into contacting Kaidan, like Kaidan obviously wanted him to. So this happened.
> 
> Title stolen from the [poem](http://www.poetry-chaikhana.com/A/AkhmatovaAnn/Alnotminesti.htm) by Anna Akhmatova.

Two years was a very long time.

If asked, Shepard would say that two years ago he was on Arcturus Station, confined to a hospital bed. He’d been there three months, watching other patients come and go, while his acid burns healed and his bones mended and the wounds that ran deeper started to fade to scars. Two years ago, he would say, he had been recovering from Akuze.

It wasn’t true.

Two years ago, he’d had a ship, a crew, wore dogtags and Alliance blues. Two years ago, he’d been a hero, The Savior of the Citadel, defender of organic life, the rallying cry against Sovereign’s promise of destruction. Two years ago he’d been a commander, a Spectre, dedicated to the cause, even if that cause had him sniffing around a dead star system for a month.

Two years ago, he’d died.

He had to make these little adjustments.

Now his ship was gone, what remained of his crew scattered, his rank—he didn’t want to think about that. No dogtags or BDUs but Cerberus fatigues. A ship he couldn’t trust. A crew he couldn’t trust. A couple familiar faces, but not enough. He had a deep down longing to see the rest of his old friends again, something primitive and childish inside him that threatened to swell up until he was kicking and screaming to get his way.

One old friend in particular.

He’d asked the Illusive Man about each and every one of them; 20 were dead in the same attack that had ended him two years ago, but the rest—the ones he’d gotten to know the best, the ones he’d been most worried about, he realized with no small sense of shame—were alive. That knowledge alone was enough to satisfy him for at least a few minutes, but he needed to know where they were.

He needed to know where Kaidan was.

The first moment he had to himself, he wrote a message. It was simple. _Kaidan. I’m alive. I need to see you. Contact me. John._ He had nowhere to send it, though, so he just saved it to his omni-tool. Eventually he added a _Shepard_ to it. Deleted the _John_. Added it back. Thought about adding _Commander_ … no. Too impersonal.

As soon as he could, he was headed to the Citadel. Anderson was a welcome sight, even if it meant talking to the council. Almost immediately after the councilors’ holos flickered out, he turned back to his former CO and started in on the questions. Kaidan was still fighting the good fight—that’s all Anderson would tell him.

“Can you get a message to him?” Shepard asked, trying not to let his desperation show.

Anderson frowned. “I can try. I’m not in regular contact with him. He reports directly to Hackett, he could get a message through. But, well, I’m not sure anyone in the Alliance will be eager to do Cerberus any favors.”

“This isn’t Cerberus,” he said as he opened his omni-tool. “This is from me.” He tapped a few buttons to send the message to the councilor. “Please, Anderson.”

Maybe he let some of his desperation show, because Anderson looked at him hard for a moment before nodding. “Alright, Shepard. I can’t make any promises, but I’ll do what I can.”

A wave of relief washed over him, short-lived but lightening. “Thanks.”

On his way back to the Normandy, he made a new friend. Strange girl, not at all what he’d expected from the dossier the Illusive Man had given him. He’d expected… well, he wasn’t really sure. Someone more professional, more sophisticated. Someone more Cerberus. He liked her.

He found an old friend, too, not long after that on Omega. Once they scraped him off the floor and patched him up, it was great to have Garrus back. He wasn’t the same man Shepard had known two years ago; still serious, still determined, far too focussed for his own good, but looser somehow, quicker with a dry joke or a light tease, easier to talk to when he wasn’t calibrating that damn gun.

And then there was the salarian. Shepard just didn’t know what to make of Mordin. Brilliant, lethal, fast-talking, crazy. He was a piece of work, one Shepard looked forward to figuring out.

But no matter how many faces joined the crew, new or old, there was just one face he longed to see.

***

They were on their way back from Kopis when a private message came in on his omni-tool. It was from Anderson.

_Not able to get through. Will keep trying. Keep fighting the good fight. Be careful with who you trust._

Three weeks. Shepard had been back for three weeks, and Kaidan still didn’t know. Or worse, he knew, and Shepard hadn’t been the one to tell him.

When they reached the Normandy he took the elevator straight to his cabin, still clad in his armor, ignoring Garrus’ questioning look and Miranda’s call as he strode past them. He just needed a minute alone. Deep breaths in the elevator, trying to center himself. Everything was alright, he reminded himself as he counted the seconds of each inhale. Kaidan was alive and well and still fighting. That was what mattered.

But it still felt like he’d just lost everything.

When he finally reached his cabin, he hit the privacy switch on the door, and the green holo flicked to red. Normally he left it unlocked, the rare times he was actually there—he liked being accessible to his crew, and they rarely ever disturbed him in his cabin, anyway. But not today.

His hands shook as he fumbled with the clasps of his armor, making it all but impossible to free himself. After several minutes of struggling he only managed to get his gauntlets off.

He leaned against the wall, pressed his forehead to the cool metal, and breathed. Tried to remember what had kept his hands steady when he’d faced down an asari Matriarch and her squad of commandos, when he’d aimed that fatal shot at Saren’s defiled corpse. If he could stay steadfast in the face of annihilation, he could get his damn armor off.

He tried again, moving slow, but his hands still trembled too badly to free himself. With a curse, he slammed a hand against the wall.

“Jeeze, Shep.”

He started and spun, fists glowing as he prepared to cast a preemptive singularity. There was no one, he was alone. He let his biotics fizzle out across his skin and armor, shook his head and closed his eyes. Really, John? he chastised silently. You’re losing it over this?

But when he opened his eyes again, he wasn’t alone. A small figure had materialized across the room, leaning against his desk. He jumped at the sight, glanced toward the door. It was still locked.

“Kasumi,” he said, as evenly as he could. “What are you doing in here?”

“Snooping,” she said with an innocent smile. “You learned so much about me on Bekenstein, I thought it was only fair I learned a little about you. But you spoiled that when you came back from your mission early. I was going to sit quietly until you fell asleep, then slip out.” She pushed off the desk and came to stand before him, activating her omni-tool. “But you’re sure in a mood. Maybe I can help.”

“I don’t think so.”

She ignored him, deft fingers skittering over the orange around her forearm. After a moment she stopped tapping and waved her arm in front of Shepard’s chestplate; a faint click, and air rushed in against his skin as the seals cracked and the clasps unlatched and the heavy armor slid off of him into a heap on the floor. He was left standing in his underarmor while Kasumi smirked at him.

“Neat trick,” he admitted, somewhat grudgingly, as he stuffed the armor away. “Where’d you learn to do that?”

“You pick up a lot of different skills in my line of work.”

“What, you have to steal some poor bastard’s armor mid-fight or something?” He shook his head, a smile almost gracing his lips.

“Of course not,” she scolded, although her own smile didn’t change. “I’d never do a thing like that.”

“Of course you wouldn’t.” Once his armor was put away, he turned back to her, humor waning in the face of his bad mood. “Would you mind—?”

But she interrupted swiftly. “You know, there’s a lot about a person you can learn in two hours alone in their space.” She tapped a gloved finger against his fish tank, sending the creatures flitting away in a panic.

“You’ve been in here two hours?”

“Yep.”

He really shouldn’t have been surprised. World-class thief she was, he was just lucky if everything was where he’d left it. He sighed. “So tell me, what have you learned?”

She walked over to his desk and pulled open the top drawer. He turned away before she could reach her hand inside; he already knew what she was after. A picture of Kaidan he kept, out of sight but always nearby.

But when he turned back, she was holding up his bag of Gummy Blastos. “Sweet tooth?” she asked with a sly smile before sucking one past her painted lips.

He laughed, quiet and short-lived, mostly out of relief. “I’m a biotic. We burn more calories.”

“Still. There are healthier ways, my friend.” She took a handful before putting the bag back. “But I haven’t figured out what could get you so worked up.”

“It’s nothing,” he said, and even he knew it sounded thin. “It was just the mission.”

She shook her head. “If it was the mission, you’d be down there, figuring it out. Not up here moping.” She strode back to him and grabbed him by the arm, dragging him over to the couch. Once he was seated, frowning up at her, she moved back to his desk and returned a moment later with the carafe of whiskey and two tumblers he kept hidden in his bottom drawer. She poured them each a glass before sitting down beside him.

“Thanks,” he mumbled into the harsh liquid.

“So.” She took a sip of her drink before setting it on the coffee table. “What’s got you down, Shep?”

He probably shouldn’t trust her, he mused as he stared into his glass. A master thief hired by Cerberus, she was probably the last person he should trust. But she had no ties to the Alliance, no permanent ties to Cerberus… and she was asking.

“It’s, uh….” He smiled despite himself, laughed at the absurdity of it. “It’s a guy.”

She didn’t laugh along with him, or smile, or make an off-color joke or kissy faces like he half-expected her to. Instead she stood and moved out of his line of sight, and when she came back a moment later she was holding the picture of Kaidan. She set it on the coffee table and sat beside him again. “Him?”

Even this small image, years old, one he’d seen hundreds of times, did something strange to his heart, filling it to burst even as it left him feeling empty. “Yeah. Him.”

“Handsome.” She nodded approvingly at the photo before turning back to Shepard. “Tell me about him.”

So he did. Some things, anyway. He told her Kaidan’s name and rank, told her about the man’s integrity, his devotion, his bravery. He described how Kaidan had never been afraid to speak his mind, never wavered, never blinked. How he endured his migraines in silence, no matter how bad they got. How he had not only followed Shepard into hell, he’d wanted to, wanted to be at Shepard’s back every step of the way from beginning to Shepard’s end. How he’d blamed himself for Ashley’s death, and had probably blamed himself for Shepard’s, too.

He didn’t tell her that Kaidan’s name alone was enough to get his blood pumping, or that thinking about what the man had been through and who he’d become made Shepard swell with pride, even knowing he’d played little part in it. He didn’t tell her how Kaidan had been the one to keep him on track, keep him honest, as they railed against annihilation, or how he wished he could wipe away every ounce of suffering Kaidan’s losses had brought him.

From the sad, soft smile she wore, he knew she understood it all, anyway.

“He sounds wonderful,” she said when he was finished, and to his surprise she sounded sincere. “So what’s the problem?”

“Can’t find him,” he shrugged before downing the rest of his drink. “Tried to get a message to him, let him know I’m alive, but his position is classified. I think the Alliance thinks anything from me is actually from Cerberus.”

“Well, why didn’t you just say so? I can find him for you.”

He looked at her, raising a suspicious eyebrow. “You a comm specialist too?”

“No.” She shook her head, a wicked smirk on her purple lips. “I’m the best thief in the galaxy. Finding things is half of what I do. Usually small, expensive things that have been hidden away in vaults for years. Finding one person should be a snap.”

Maybe he shouldn’t have. She was a wild card, a loose cannon; he was trusting her with something he hadn’t trusted to anyone. He always did like the wild cards. “Yeah. Thanks. I’d appreciate it.”

A small hand came to rest atop his, and he looked up at her. She leaned forward, just close enough that he could see her eyes beneath the shadow of her hood. “I have a little piece of Keiji back, thanks to you. The least I can do is send a message for you.”

“Alright.” He pulled his hand away to open his omni-tool, but she stopped him with a hand up as her own flickered to life.

“No need, I already got it.” Her smile was mischievous as she pulled the message up.

“You hacked my omni-tool?”

She didn’t answer, just frowned at her device for a moment before sighing. “Really, Shep? Two years, and that’s all you have to say to him?”

He blinked. “In a message, yes.”

“Alright, if you say so. “A few more taps to her omni-tool and she closed it down. “I’ll get to work on this. It might take a few days, but I’ll find him.”

“Thanks,” he said as she turned and headed for the door. Just as she reached it, he remembered one more thing. “Oh, and…”

She turned back to him.

“Don’t tell anyone about this. I don’t want Cerberus knowing.”

“Of course. Discrete is my middle name.” And to prove her point, she vanished.

***

Turns out, Kasumi was as good as she claimed. Within a week, a message came through to his omni-tool, forwarded from her. No name, but he didn’t need it.

_John Shepard died two years ago. I don’t know who you are or what your game is, but I’m not playing it._

Before he’d even finished reading, he was stalking in the direction of the port observation deck. “Where is he?” he demanded as he burst through the door, as if she were hiding him away.

Kasumi just smiled at him from her spot stretched out on the couch, one of her archaic books propped open in her lap. “What took you so long, Shep? I was expecting you sooner.”

“Slow elevator.”

“Right, I noticed that.” She closed her book with a thunk and sat up, and the parts of her face he could see turned grave. “Are you sure you want to know? His position is classified. You could lead Cerberus right to him.”

He took a shaky breath. “I need to know.”

“Alright. It’s a place called Horizon.”

He was out the door and on his way to the CIC in an instant.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shepard makes a surprise visit.

Shepard wasn’t stupid. He knew how to cover his tracks. It was something they learned in N7, something all Spectres were expected to have mastered. He was good at it, too--maybe a bit rusty, but he’d spent two years undercover after receiving his N7 designation, and it wasn’t something easily forgotten.

He put those old skills to use. It took him three days of travelling aboard sweaty, cramped civilian transports with nothing but a small pack to reach Horizon once the Normandy dropped him off on Omega--three days lost in the fight against the collectors, three days he could have been saving lives, and he knew it, knew that every minute’s passing could mean another colony gone. But he had to do this. The crew had their orders--and after leaving Garrus in charge, Shepard knew they could handle a week without him.

Not that that had soothed Miranda. She’d nearly ripped his head off when he’d announced his departure. It was only after several gentle reminders of who was in charge--and eventually a rather harsh admonishment--that she’d backed off, giving him a portable QEC in case of an emergency and a grave “The Illusive Man won’t be happy about this,” as if that meant something to him.

The colony was small, no more than four hundred, not quite half the size Mindoir had been. Still it reminded him of it, abundant green sprawling out as far as the eye could see beyond the boundaries of the settlement, rich farmland just visible in the distance. He had a sudden longing, a desire that ran deeper than his marrow, to see home again. But there was no home, no Mindoir, anymore--not the one he’d known.

He stopped in the street to ask a young woman for directions. She smiled cheerfully at him, but when he asked where he could find the Alliance officer stationed there, her smile turned a little sad. She waved him in the direction of a small prefab unit, sitting just on the edge of town, before hurrying off. The unit was set apart from the other buildings, and Shepard noticed a few colonists glaring in its direction as they passed. It had been the same on Mindoir; Alliance reps were tolerated, but never welcomed guests.

He couldn’t help the twinge of concern he felt. How long had Kaidan been here? From the information Kasumi had given him, it sounded like he was the only Alliance rep in the star system. Was he all alone here?

His courage thinned as he approached the unit, but the Savior of the Citadel wouldn’t be undone by his own nerves. Before he could talk himself out of it, he laid three sharp rasps against the metal door. As he waited, he glanced down at himself. Good, he thought as he straightened his vest. No Cerberus emblems.

He was still staring down at his clothes when the door slid open. “Lilith, I thought you--” The familiar sandy voice cut itself off with a choked sound and Shepard lifted his head to find brown eyes wide with shock.

“Hey, Kaidan,” he said softly, giving his best grin. Kaidan just blinked at him, face slack, while Shepard fidgeted under his gaze. After a moment he seemed to pull himself back together slightly, and he stepped aside, waving Shepard in.

As soon as the door slid shut behind them, Kaidan’s arms were around his shoulders, pulling him into a tight embrace, but it lasted only long enough for the sentinel to breathe his name in his ear before he was stepping back to look Shepard over. “God,” he murmured as his glassy eyes swept the length of Shepard’s body before coming back up to his face. “I thought you were dead.”

“I know.” He shrugged sheepishly. “I didn’t--”

“The message.”

“Yeah.”

“How did you find me?”

Shepard smiled as he moved around Kaidan and further into the small abode. It was sparsely furnished, and aside from the clothes in the open closet and a picture of his parents on the table, there were no personal effects. “A friend found you, actually,” he said as he sat on the lone couch. “But don’t worry. No one else knows.”

Kaidan let out a little laugh that bordered on hysterical, but he didn’t say anything, didn’t move. So Shepard sat and waited, taking the opportunity to do a sweep of his own. Kaidan looked good. Damn good, in fact. He’d filled out, the almost too thin LT now a strikingly muscular staff commander, and even as awash in confusion as he was, there was a kind of quiet confidence in the way he held himself that hadn’t been there before. 

Things had changed in two years.

“So,” Shepard said after a few minutes of silence; he’d never been much good at waiting. “How long have you been here?”

“Uh.” He shook his head, rolling his shoulders as he turned toward Shepard but didn’t quite look at him, just stared at the far wall. “A week.”

“Bet you can’t wait to get back to civilization. Some of the kids used to throw eggs at the Alliance rep’s door back on Mindoir.” He smiled at the memories, but shifted his focus back to Kaidan before others could arise.

Brown eyes finally met his, and the exasperation there was plain. “Are you seriously trying small talk right now, Shepard?”  
He chuckled. “Yeah, I guess I am.” A sweep of a hand across his prickly scalp, a nervous habit he’d broken years ago. “I knew I needed to see you, but I... well, I didn’t really think of what to say.”

Kaidan nodded and dropped his gaze, but after a moment and a heavy sigh he moved to sit next to Shepard on the couch. Once they were even, Kaidan’s eyes found his again, and his jaw set tight, brow wrinkling the way it did when he was determined about something. “I thought you were _dead_ , Shepard,” he said again, and Shepard didn’t miss the way his hands clenched into fists. “We all did.”

“I know.”

Something flared in Kaidan’s eyes, something fierce and bright and dangerous, and when he spoke his voice was barely above a growl. “And you _let_ us think that? I would have followed you anywhere, Shepard. Thinking you were gone.... It was like losing a limb. Why didn’t you try to contact me sooner?”

“I couldn’t, Kaidan.” His voice came out even, and he thanked a god he didn’t believe in for it. “I spent two years in some kind of coma. I woke up a month ago. I’ve been trying to contact you ever since.”

“Oh.” The anger was gone the instant the words sunk in, replaced by worry in those warm brown eyes, and a hand fell on Shepard’s knee. “Shepard, I.... Are you alright?”

He almost said it. _Yes, I’m fine. Great, even._ It was his automatic response to those kinds of questions nowadays. But he hadn’t come all this way to lie to Kaidan. Without thinking, he dropped a hand on top of Kaidan’s on his knee. It didn’t pull away, so he kept his there. “I don’t know. Honestly, I’m trying not to think about it. I’m just trying to focus on what needs to be done. Colonies are going missing.”

Kaidan’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “You’re working on that?”

“Of course I am.”

He shook his head. “I mean, you’ve only been back a month. They reinstated you already?”

His fingers clenched around Kaidan’s and he stared down at the hand in his grasp. To his amazement, it flipped over so they were palm-to-palm. “No,” he said slowly, unable to raise his gaze from the sight of their hands entwined. “I’m not with the Alliance.”

“Then how are you--”

“You aren’t going to like it.”

Kaidan’s hand tightened on his, and he forced himself to look up. The man was looking determined again, as much like he was staring down the barrel of his assault rifle as he was about to break protocol telling his CO what he really thought. “Tell me.”

He took a deep breath, let it out slowly. “Cerberus is funding my mission.”

“Cerberus.” The hand withdrew, and without it Shepard’s felt cold, forsaken. “You’re with Cerberus now?”

“ _No_.” The word came out a bit too harshly in his desperation to make Kaidan understand. “It’s a one-time thing. The Alliance isn’t doing anything to help these people, and Cerberus offered me the resources I need. Once I find a way to stop this, I’m done with them.”

Kaidan’s nostrils flared, and his hands were curling into fists again. “The Alliance isn’t--what do you think I--” He snapped his mouth shut, and dropped his head in his hands for a few long seconds. When he came back up, he looked Shepard right in the eye. “They’re doing what they can. _I’m_ doing what I can. But there isn’t a lot we know. You could help us, you know. If you just--”

“No.” He shook his head. “The Alliance won’t listen to me. Not when they find out.”

“About Cerberus?” 

“About how they...” Shepard paused, floundering for a word that described what he wanted to say, “fixed me.” Like a broken toy.

“They _what_? Who? Cerberus?”

He nodded, and then he was on his feet, pacing the small room, and as much as he avoided Kaidan’s gaze he could feel it, cold and calculating. “I don’t remember anything, just what they told me. I was a wreck. Meat and tubes, is what Jacob said. I don’t know how they did it, but they brought me back. With cybernetics and tissue grafts and...” a shiver ran through him, “who knows what else.”

Silence. He didn’t stop moving. He couldn’t bring himself to look at the man, too afraid of what he would find. But then a hand fell on his shoulder, tugged him around, and he was forced into those amber depths. Brow furrowed, one hand still gripping Shepard’s shoulder, Kaidan brought his other hand up with cautious movements to run along the faint glow of the cybernetics at his jaw. Excitement pulsed through him at the touch. It seemed intimate, far more intimate than any touch they’d shared before, even as Kaidan frowned at him. He held himself still for a moment as the hand explored the fading scars on his face, keeping his eyes on Kaidan’s, waiting for a change.

It didn’t come, but he acted anyway, unthinking, bringing a hand up to stroke the back of it across Kaidan’s cheek. Kaidan flinched away at the touch, eyes squeezing shut, hands retracting, body retracting, dropping back to the other side of the room, turning away from him. Shepard’s heart hurt in a way it hadn’t since Ash’s funeral, and he drew blood from the inside of his cheek trying to suppress his grief.

“I could never hurt you, Kaidan.” His voice was small, but it was the best he could manage. “You _know_ me. You know I couldn’t.”  
Kaidan’s head dropped to his chest. “Do I?” It was barely a whisper, but Shepard heard it.

“Yes,” he said with a frustrated groan. “You do. I’m still me. I’m still the same man you served with.” He took a couple shuffling steps forward, but allowed the man some space. “Do you remember those talks we used to have? When you told me about Rahna and Vyrnnus. And after Ash’s funeral, when I told you about Mindoir. Those talks were everything.”

“Yeah. They were.” His head came up, and he turned. The look on his face had Shepard’s gut twisting, that slightly scarred mouth drawn tight and brown eyes sparkling in a mixture of yearning and grief. “But you were rebuilt by Cerberus. And now you’re working for them? I can’t ignore that just for something that might have been, two years ago.”

This was it; this was what Shepard had come here for. To let Kaidan know he was alive, to be honest with him, about Cerberus, and his return, and, more importantly, the weird thing his heart did at the mere thought of the sentinel. Was Kaidan saying...? He took the chance, took a few more steps. “There _was_ something. And maybe I’m out of line, but I think there still is.”

But Kaidan stepped back as Shepard neared, a hand coming up to ward him off. “No. There isn’t. We _can’t_.” He still looked resolved, but Shepard didn’t miss the waver in his voice.

That was all he needed. “You mean _shouldn’t_. And _shouldn’t_ has never stopped me before.” He let a smile play across his lips at the memories. “Remember the time I stole the Alliance Navy’s shiniest battleship?”

Kaidan didn’t smile back, but he got a wistful glint in his eyes. “ _We_ stole, you mean.”

“Exactly. _Shouldn’t_ has never stopped you, either.”

A few more steps and the distance between them had shrunk to a couple feet. Kaidan tensed at the adept’s proximity, but he didn’t pull away. “It’s stopped me plenty,” he breathed into the air between them.

Shepard shook his head, carefully keeping the smile in place, keeping his voice soft. “No, it hasn’t. Not since I’ve known you. You’re never about what you should or shouldn’t do; you’re about what you _have_ to do. To save lives. To fight the enemy. To get your CO’s head out of his ass. You’re not about what’s proper, you’re about what’s _right_. Because you’re a good man.” Kaidan’s gaze fell, maybe out of modesty, maybe out of skepticism, Shepard wasn’t sure, and it took every ounce of effort to keep himself from lunging forward, wrapping the man in his arms. “I’ve got a second chance at life, and I don’t want to waste it. I want to do what’s right. I _know_ this is right.”

He didn’t know if he was getting through, but Kaidan was looking at him again, at least, eyes bright with something Shepard couldn’t name. Another half a step, and Kaidan didn’t pull away, so he chanced it, bringing a hand up to brush fingers across the man’s jaw again. Kaidan recoiled from the caress, but this time it was Shepard falling back, putting as much distance between their bodies as he could, as if that could make it hurt any less.

“Am I good man, Kaidan?”

It wasn’t a simple question, and he didn’t expect a simple answer. But every second that ticked by told him just how much Kaidan didn’t trust him. He was already trying to blink the sting from his eyes by the time the man spoke, voice raw with emotion. “John Shepard was a good man. I just can’t believe you’re him.”

The sting broke, just a tiny bit, and he turned away so Kaidan wouldn’t see him wipe the evidence from his cheeks. That was it, then. Kaidan didn’t believe in him anymore. He couldn’t blame him, not really, but that didn’t make him feel any less like screaming.

“I should go.”

“Yeah. That’s probably a good idea.”

And so he did. Or he started, at least, was halfway to the door before he remembered. He stopped next to Kaidan and rifled through his pockets until he found what he was looking for, then handed the OSD to Kaidan. “That’s everything Cerberus has on the abductions. Plus a few files they gave me access to I thought the Alliance might find interesting. Put it to good use.”

Kaidan didn’t look at him, just stared down at the device in his palm. After a moment of uncertainty, Shepard sighed, headed for the door again.

“Shepard.” The word came as the door slid open, and Shepard stopped, hovering on the threshold and praying for a reason not to cross it.

“Yeah?”

“About your friend. The one that found me. He work for Cerberus?”

He let his disappointment out in a hissing breath before turning back to the man. “No. She’s helping stop this, but she isn’t working for them. Same as me.”

Kaidan nodded, utterly expressionless. “And you’re sure Cerberus doesn’t know where you are?”

“No one followed me. Took me three days to get here, just to make sure of it.”

Amber eyes widened in surprise, and he dropped his gaze to the OSD again. “Three days? Just to give me this?”

Shepard shook his head. Honesty was the aim here, and he was going to be honest to the last. “To see you.”

“Oh.” He frowned down at the device in his hand for a moment while Shepard shifted uncomfortably. “You haven’t even been here an hour,” he said finally.

“Yeah. I know.” He shrugged. “I don’t know what I was expecting, coming here. I just thought.... But it’s fine. I understand. It’s... a lot to take in. I just needed you to know that I’m alive, and that I.... That I care.”

Kaidan looked at him, face inscrutable, and though it only lasted a few seconds Shepard felt sure it would never end, he would be caught in this limbo forever. Then Kaidan sighed, nodded, breathed “Okay,” and Shepard had no idea what that meant, but the man didn’t seem inclined to elaborate.

“Okay,” he echoed. The sting was back in his eyes for a reason he couldn’t fathom but he wouldn’t succumb to it, not here. Not until he was back on the Normandy, in the privacy of his quarters. He took a deep breath to center himself. “If you want to talk, you know how to contact me.”

Another nod.

“I... guess I’ll see you around, then.”

He was already out the door when Kaidan called his name again, but that voice drew him back in. Kaidan hadn’t moved much, was staring at the floor instead of his hand, a frown replacing that blank look. He started and stopped a few times, floundering in uncertainty, before he let out a noise that sounded like frustration and lifted his gaze, taking a few steps forward. Not as close as Shepard would have liked, but it meant something.

“You’ve been travelling for three days. When was the last time you had a real meal?” His tone was hard, almost scolding, but there was a touch of concern there, too, and that was enough to start a strange beat in Shepard’s heart.

“Three days,” he said, and he swore to himself it would be the only lie he would tell Kaidan. The truth was, aside from the bite of Gardner’s gumbo he’d tried, he’d been living off of protein bars and Gummy Blastos the past month. He hadn’t felt much like eating.  
With a sigh, Kaidan waved him back into the tiny living quarters. “Come on. I’ll make you some dinner.”

He wasn’t hungry, but he wasn’t about to refuse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Elevatordancer for being an awesome beta, muse, reader, and bestie!
> 
> And thank you all my readers! I'm so excited that people are reading it! I hope you're enjoying!
> 
> Chapter 3 will be up Monday at the latest.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner.

Shepard didn’t expect miracles. He didn’t believe in god, or karma or dharma or anything like that. He believed in people, in choices and actions and perseverance and, alright, a little bit of luck--he’d been lucky too many times not to. And yet when Kaidan called him back, offered him dinner with a worried frown, Shepard found himself thanking the heavens for a little more time with the man.

That was Kaidan, though, concerned no matter how cautious, so instead Shepard thanked Kaidan was he followed him across the room to the tiny kitchen area. It looked bare, but when Kaidan opened the fridge, Shepard saw it was stuffed full with fresh ingredients.

“Those aren’t standard issue, Alenko,” he teased as Kaidan crouched to dig through the chaos. “What did you do, rob a farmer?”

Kaidan chuckled, honey and salt, and a thrill ran up Shepard’s spine at the sound. “Close. Bartered. When I got assigned here, I brought a few things I thought might be rare in these parts. Turns out Horizon has the perfect climate for planting peach seeds. The farmers were interested.” 

“Peach seeds?”

“Yeah.” He came up with an armful of food, some vegetables Shepard didn’t recognize and a lot of meat. “My dad’s family owns an orchard, back on Earth. I stole a few seeds. Thought it might help break the ice with some of the colonists, having things to trade. Turns out they’re willing to barter even if they don’t like you.”

Shepard couldn’t help his smile. “It was the same back on Mindoir,” he said, eyes following Kaidan’s hands as he chopped vegetables without really watching. “My old man hated the Alliance, but he made trades with the reps every once in awhile. Once, he brought home a dozen varren pups. He wanted to train them to hunt the pyjaks that kept getting into our field. My mom shut that down pretty quick.”

He’d been hoping for a smile, maybe a story in return, but instead Kaidan just frowned down at his busy hands. Shepard leaned against the counter, just close enough that he was in the man’s peripheral vision, leaving him some distance. “What?”

“It’s nothing,” Kaidan said, though his frown remained. He glanced up at Shepard with a contemplative crease in his brow. “It’s just... You remember Mindoir, and you remember... our talks.... Do you remember everything? Are there any gaps?”

“No gaps.” He’d searched for them. “Except one.” A breath to steady himself, as the fragmented memories rushed to the surface. “I remember the Normandy getting hit. And I remember watching it break apart from the outside. And then I woke up in a Cerberus facility with mechs trying to kill me. But I guess that’s common, not remembering near-death experiences.”

Kaidan’s hand had stilled, knife hovering over the strange orange thing that looked something like squash but smelled much sweeter. He sucked in a tight breath and squeezed his eyes shut for a fraction longer than a blink before resuming his task. He didn’t say anything, didn’t look at Shepard, just moved his hands a little faster, a little more unsteady than before.

“Sorry.” Shepard took a couple steps back.

“No, it’s fine,” but Kaidan’s voice was raw. “It wasn’t easy, but I made my peace with what happened.”

They stood in silence for several moments, Shepard shifting uncomfortably while Kaidan began heating a frying pan on the stove. Eventually Kaidan spoke again, voice hesitant. “Look, Shepard, I’m not going to kick you out. You’re staying for food, and you can take the couch tonight if you need it.” He paused for a moment, eyeing Shepard critically. “But I’d appreciate it if you’d clear out in the morning. Having you here.... It makes everything a lot more complicated. If the Alliance knew you found me, I’d be reassigned, and this colony would.... They wouldn’t get what they need.”

“They really think I’m the enemy, huh?” He wasn’t surprised, not exactly; Cerberus had been labelled traitors years ago. Shepard just had a hard time seeing himself as one. He was taking Cerberus’s money and resources, but only to stop the collectors--while the Alliance was, what? Sending one man to one colony? Was that the best they could do?

“You’re working with a terrorist organization. What else would the Alliance think? What would _you_ think, if our positions were reversed?”

He thought about it for a moment, but the answer was plain. “I’d trust you.”

Kaidan turned toward him, and his features softened. “I _do_ trust you, Shepard. With my life. But I can’t trust Cerberus. And I can’t....” He stopped, but Shepard already knew.

“You can’t trust that I’m not a... Cerberus toy.”

A tiny nod, brown eyes rich with sorrow, begging Shepard to understand. “Maybe you’re you. Or maybe you just think you are. They spent two years trying to bring you back. Do you think they would do that without some way of controlling you?”

Honestly, no, he didn’t think they would. But that truth had his skin crawling, so he stuck to the facts instead. “I had Chakwas run every test she could think of. I’ve got some cybernetics holding me together, but,” he brought a hand up to tap against his temple, “up here is all me. No chips or implants or anything like that, other than the L5x. And she checked that, too, just to be safe.”

“Chakwas?”

“Yeah. She’s helping on the mission. Joker and Garrus, too.”

Kaidan’s brow rose in surprise. “Garrus? A turian is working for Cerberus?”

“He’s working with me on this, yeah. A salarian, too. This isn’t your average Cerberus initiative.”

“Yeah.... I’m starting to get that.”

A ridiculous joy bloomed in Shepard’s chest at the words. Kaidan was starting to get it. Maybe he would come to _understand_. Maybe he would even.... No. Shepard wouldn’t let his hopes up that high. It would only lead to disappointment.

“This’ll take a few minutes to cook,” Kaidan said as he scraped the cutting board off into the frying pan, “if you want to grab a shower. I’m sure you haven’t had the chance in a few days.”

“You saying I smell, Commander?”

The only response was a smirky smile thrown over Kaidan’s shoulder as Shepard passed him on his way to the bathroom. A shiver ran up his spine at the sight of it. He liked that look. He’d never seen it before.

The water wasn’t hot, but it wasn’t cold, either, so Shepard spent a moment enjoying the feel of it on his skin, letting it rinse away some of the sweat of the last three days, the stench of strangers. As he bathed--Kaidan’s soap--he felt a rush of excitement for where he was. For the past month, it was all Shepard had wanted; to see Kaidan, to talk to him, to hear his whiskey rich voice and look into those whiskey brown eyes.

No, that wasn’t entirely true--and if he was honest with Kaidan, he may as well be honest with himself, too. He’d wanted other things, things that involved lips and tongues and hands and just the right amount of friction, and maybe one of those smirky smiles, too, before it shattered on a moan.

He wanted things he couldn’t afford to think about.

Once he was clean, he took a moment to get his body back in line before dressing in the change of clothes he’d kept in his bag. They stank, too, but not as bad. He would have to space these outfits by the time he got back to the Normandy, he mused as he pulled the vest on. Not even evil Cerberus washers would get the stench of hundreds of sweaty people out.

But he smelled a little bit like Kaidan now, too, so he could live with it.

“Hey,” Kaidan smiled from the table when Shepard emerged from the bathroom. He’d moved the picture of his parents to the counter to make room for two plates on the narrow surface. On each plate was a heaping pile of stir-fry, steam still rolling off the top. Shepard’s mouth watered when the smell hit him, sweet and pleasantly tangy.

“Hey,” he smiled back as he took his seat, ready to dig in. “This looks amazing. Where’d you learn to cook?”

“They had classes on Jump Zero. ‘Biotics have to know how to take care of themselves; no one else it going to do it.’” He gave a breathy little chuckle at the memory. “Turned out to be my favorite class.”

Shepard took a bite. The smell had nothing on the taste, and he let out a little moan of delight as he rolled the saccharine mix with just a bit of a kick around on his tongue. He didn’t miss the way Kaidan’s eyes dilated a fraction at the sound, or the way he cleared his throat and dropped his gaze to his plate a second later. “Wow,” he managed around his mouthful, still too hot to swallow. “This is... wow.”

“Glad you like it,” Kaidan smiled before busying himself with his meal.

They ate mostly in silence, Kaidan seemingly lost in thought and Shepard too entranced with the flavors to think much about small talk. It wasn’t until their second helping that Kaidan spoke up. 

“Look, Shepard, I’m sorry,” he said, setting his fork down to give Shepard his full attention. “I know I’m not exactly handling this well.”

Shepard huffed a laugh as he pushed his plate away. “I come back from the dead and tell you it was funded by a terrorist organization, and you make me dinner. It’s more than I could’ve asked for.”

“But you _wanted_ more.”

It didn’t sound like a question, but Kaidan was giving him a curious look, eyes searching his face, so he answered, voice a little hoarser than usual, his throat suddenly having gone dry. “I’ll admit, I was hoping for a warmer reception. But I was expecting a boot in the face at the first mention of Cerberus, so this is a nice middle ground.”

A smile broke through that thoughtful expression, but only for a moment before he was back to studying his guest. After a few strangely comfortable minutes spent looking at one another, Kaidan slid his hand across the table to capture one of Shepard’s. “I missed you, Shepard. I’m glad you’re here. I wish it were as simple as that.”

Nothing was ever that simple in his life. No matter how complicated, it was still nice to hear. “I missed you, too,” he sighed, letting his thumb explore as much of Kaidan’s skin as it could reach. “Things have been crazy from the second I woke up, and all I can think about is....” He let out a breath of laughter, nerves suddenly clawing at his insides. “How everything would make perfect sense if you were with me.”

Kaidan laughed too, sounding more surprised than anything. “Really? So with me, Saren and Sovereign made perfect sense, huh?”

“Well, maybe not,” he conceded with a smile, and barely suppressed a shiver when Kaidan’s index finger started working slow circles on the back of his hand. “But what we had to do, what was right.... Yeah, that made perfect sense.”

Every part of Shepard was focussed on Kaidan; he didn’t miss the way the finger’s movement faltered for a fraction of a second, or the way Kaidan’s eyes flicked away before flicking back, or the way his voice was just a little tighter when he spoke again a moment later. “And it doesn’t now.”

He knew he was stepping onto dangerous ground, but he wasn’t sure why. Out of instinct his muscles tensed the way they did before battle, and maybe Kaidan felt it because his hand tightened on Shepard’s, the smallest reminder of who he was talking to. This was Kaidan. Even when things got tense between them--which was rare--he was still the first person Shepard wanted to talk to. Sometimes the only person.

“No. It doesn’t.” Just the thought of it sent his travel-wearied mind spinning, but one thought kept it tethered. Shepard needed to say it, and Kaidan needed to hear it. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know if I can trust myself. I feel like what I’m doing is right, but.... I just don’t know.”

“Shepard....” The word sounded desperate, but Kaidan’s voice was so calm and his gaze so steady when he spoke again that Shepard wondered if it was just him. “Leave Cerberus. Turn yourself into the Alliance. I know you--I know you need answers. The med bay of a Cerberus ship can’t be anything compared to the Alliance hospitals back on Earth.”

He scrubbed his free hand over his tired face, the other staying firm in Kaidan’s grip. It would keep coming back to this, he knew. There had to be some way to make Kaidan understand. He leaned forward to lock eyes with him, trying and just barely succeeding to keep his exhaustion from his voice. “Hear me out. Okay?”

Kaidan gave a little nod, and Shepard pushed his chair back, disengaging from the other man with no small amount of reluctance as he stood. He needed to be moving for this, no matter how tired he was. Movement helped his mind work, and it needed all the help it could get. He paced the small room, Kaidan turned in his chair to watch him patiently.

“If I turn myself into the Alliance,” he said after a couple minutes spent collecting his thoughts at a slow rate across Kaidan’s living quarters, “I’ll get answers. I’ll also get benched until they’ve run every test there is and decided what to do with me. They won’t listen to a word I say un--until they prove I’m me. That could take months. In the meantime, more colonies are being taken, and the Alliance brass are twiddling their thumbs and looking the wrong way, as usual.”

He never stopped moving, shooting looks at Kaidan now and then to gauge his reaction. Kaidan remained annoyingly stoic, hands folded loosely in his lap, nodding his comprehension occasionally, eyes held hard following Shepard’s stride. He didn’t say anything when Shepard paused, just let his eyes drift to the side in a moment of thought he didn’t privilege the adept with sharing. But those eyes snapped back to him when Shepard started up again, once he’d allowed himself a few breaths.

“But if I stay with Cerberus,” he cringed at the words, “I have a ship, a crew, and all the resources I need to get to the bottom of this. None of the bureaucratic bullshit holding me back from doing what needs to be done. I can _stop_ this thing.”

Kaidan’s stoicism finally broke, just a little, and the brief glimpse of distress on Kaidan’s face had Shepard’s insides knotted up. “But it’s _Cerberus_ , Shepard.”

“Yeah. I know.” He sighed as he came back over to the table and sat, too worn to continue and missing the warmth of Kaidan’s touch. He didn’t get it back, but he was closer to the man now, and that was something, at least. “I don’t like them, and I don’t trust them. But they’re amoral, not evil. Their methods are appalling, but some of their goals are the same as ours. And they’re letting me do this thing my way. No horror shows. Unless you count an undead biotic, anyway.”

Every smile he earned went straight to Shepard’s head and left him feeling dizzy for a moment or two, so the single note of laughter that escaped Kaidan’s solemnity had Shepard reeling. Kaidan’s face fell blank again quickly, but he looked less stern, perhaps, his eyes softer, and Shepard prayed to the stars that he was getting through to him.

“I have to see this through. I don’t see another option. But once this is over, I’m done with them. I’ll turn myself into the Alliance.” He wasn’t going to touch Kaidan again, he didn’t dare; twice he had tried and twice Kaidan had flinched at the feel of him. But he moved his hand forward on the table, an open invitation. “We can get the answers we need.”

Kaidan didn’t take his hand, but he smiled a relieved, worn sort of smile that added a crinkle to his eyes. “I’m glad to hear that, Shepard. I was....” He trailed off, cleared his throat.

“What?”

“I was worried you might feel like you... owe them. For bringing you back.” He looked down as he said it but his voice was firm.

"No," Shepard said easily. "I'm glad to be alive, I am--especially right now--but I didn't ask for this. Any of this. I don't owe them a damn thing."

That hand was back, warm against his perpetually cold fingers, one of the many quirks of his new body. He revelled in Kaidan’s touch. “Good,” Kaidan nodded, watching their fingers as they slotted together. “Just remember that, okay? No matter what happens.”

"Yeah. Promise."

And that was that. Shepard could tell he hadn’t entirely won Kaidan over to the idea of working with Cerberus, but Kaidan didn’t seem to have anything else to argue with. Neither of them was going to get what they wanted, so they put it away and moved on, finding no lack for conversation.

Kaidan told him about his life the past two years--the parts of it he could, at least, the parts the Alliance hadn’t deemed classified. He told him about his students, young biotics eager to fight, and about a woman he’d been seeing, a doctor--nothing serious, he added before Shepard’s heart could drop, just drinks and good company whenever he was on the Citadel. Shepard in turn told him about his work, all the good he was doing, the lives he was saving. He told him about the plague on Omega, the Blue Suns operation on Zorya, Keiji’s graybox and Kasumi’s joy at having a piece of him back. Despite his exhaustion the words kept coming and it was too easy, too familiar, too much of everything he had been desperate for from the second he woke up in that Cerberus facility, and before he knew it three hours had passed, Shepard’s voice becoming rougher and more haggard with each one. Kaidan finally took pity on him, retrieving an extra pillow and blanket from the tiny storage room and making up the couch.

“I’d rather keep talking,” he mumbled, turned sideways in his chair to rest against the cool metal wall, heavy eyelids forced open so he could enjoy the view of Kaidan bent over the couch. “Missed this.”

Kaidan threw him a look over his shoulder, and was gracious enough not to acknowledge Shepard’s blatant ogling. “You’re dead on your feet, John. You should sleep.”

Shepard snorted. “More like undead on my ass.” Still, he hauled himself to his feet and over to the couch, collapsing onto it once Kaidan was done fussing with the blanket. “Thanks for letting me stay,” he said, staring up at the man above him, and then belatedly, “Did you just call me John?”

“Uh, yeah.” He shrugged, trying for nonchalance, but the nervous flick of his eyes gave him away. “You aren’t my CO anymore. Is it a problem?”

“No,” Shepard said quickly. “Not a problem at all.”

“Good.” Kaidan bent over him to pull the blanket up around his shoulders, and Shepard admired this view, too, Kaidan’s pleased little smile so close he could taste it if he tried. Then Kaidan stood, and Shepard mourned the distance between him and those lips. “I’ve got some work to do, but I’ll stay quiet. You get some rest.”

“Mmmmm, yeah,” Shepard mumbled into his pillow, too exhausted for anything more.

“Good night, John.”

“G’night, K.”

He didn’t miss Kaidan’s smile before he drifted off to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waking up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is twice as long as all the rest. I make no apologies.

He wasn’t sure what woke him at first. The room was dark, the only light the faint glow from the abandoned console in the corner of the room, the only sound to be heard his own breathing. It was a strange contrast to the dream he’d been roused from--the memories faded too quickly to recall what had happened but he remembered bright lights, desperate voices--and the difference left him reeling in his half-sleep stupor. But when he turned his head there was a gasp, one that hadn’t come from him, and he swiftly recalled where he was.

It took his eyes a moment to focus in the dark, and a moment longer for his groggy brain to grasp what he was seeing. Kaidan was knelt down beside the couch, his face a mere foot from Shepard’s, his eyes gleaming in the dim flare of the console.

“Hey.” Shepard activated his omni-tool, blinking as his eyes adjusted to the small amount of light it provided, and propped himself on an elbow to get a better look at the man. It put them in closer proximity, and Shepard could feel warm breath on his skin, for just a moment before Kaidan pulled back with a hoarse chuckle.

“Sorry,” the sentinel sighed, and now that Shepard’s eyes had adjusted he could see the shimmer of tears in Kaidan’s. “This is, uh... this is weird.”

“No, it’s,” he shrugged with one shoulder, “it’s alright. Nice way to wake up.”

Kaidan rolled his eyes, but he laughed again too, and this time Shepard could _hear_ those tears. He wiped at his eyes with his bare forearm, and it was then that Shepard realized Kaidan was wearing nothing but a pair of loose-fitting pajama pants. He swallowed hard, trying not to let his focus drift down to that toned chest.

“Sorry,” Kaidan said again. “I shouldn’t have woken you. You should sleep.”

Shepard shook his head, the movement difficult through his enervated state. “What’s up?”

“I sent those files to Hackett.”

The man’s tone was unfathomable. Shepard waited a moment for the rest of it, but Kaidan didn’t seem inclined to continue, just staring at him, eyes tracing the healing scars on his face. “Yeah?” he prompted.

Kaidan blinked, and his startled eyes found Shepard’s. “They’ve already verified some of them.” The surprise slipped into something different, something similar but far warmer. “It’s really you, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, Kaidan. It’s really me.”

He thought that would make Kaidan happy, but instead he hung his head, closing his eyes against a grimace.

“Hate to disappoint.” It was supposed to be light, but it came out harsh, his own hurt adding a bite to his words.

Kaidan looked up at him again, and sucked in a quavering breath. “Shepard, I.... I’m so sorry....”

With a huff of annoyance, Shepard dared, reaching his hand out to rest atop one of Kaidan’s on the edge of the couch. Kaidan didn’t pull away, so he left it there. “Don’t be sorry. Talk to me.”

Kaidan nodded, but he didn’t start right away. He spent a couple minutes taking deep breaths, watching as their fingers twisted and untwisted, dancing around each other, and Shepard waited patiently, enjoying the feel of Kaidan’s warm skin against his cold hands. Eventually Kaidan looked up, and the tears were gone but the grief wasn’t. “You don’t remember. The attack. When you....” He took another deep breath. “We were evacuating the ship, but Joker wouldn’t leave. You ordered me to go, and I did.”

“Kaidan--”

“I knew it the second those pod doors closed,” he breathed, lacing their fingers together and giving a squeeze. “I knew you were....” He shook his head, and the tears were back, not quite making their way over the brim. “I almost got us all spaced, trying to get back to you. They had to wrestle me back into my harness.”

Shepard didn’t know what to say to that. There was nothing he _could_ say, really, nothing that would make it better. So he tightened his grip on Kaidan’s hand and waited.

“I thought I dealt with all this.” He spoke quietly, avoiding Shepard’s gaze with precision. “But having you here now.... Everything you’ve been through.... If I had just stayed....”

“Kaidan, _no_. I wouldn’t let you die with me.”

“And I let you die.”

Before Shepard could speak, a warm hand fell on the side of his face, gentle fingers sketching the scar next to his eye. Anything he’d been about to say was lost and he turned into that warmth, desperate for more of it. Without thinking he untangled his hand from Kaidan’s and brought it up to rest on the man’s cheek. Kaidan flinched away at the touch, but before Shepard could recoil Kaidan grabbed his wrist, holding him in place. “Sorry,” he whispered, again, and tilted his head to press his lips to Shepard’s palm. “Cold hands.” Then he cupped it with both of his own and _breathed_ , hot breath sending shivers up Shepard’s spine.

“Yeah,” Shepard agreed, mesmerized by the sight of Kaidan’s mouth, hanging open to release his air onto Shepard’s chilled skin. “Can never... keep them warm anymore.”

But Kaidan was doing a hell of a job of it, both of his hands working slow circles over Shepard’s, one on either side, while he continued to add a puff of hot breath every now and then. Once heat had returned to his fingers, Kaidan released him and went for the other hand, and Shepard was expecting it to receive the same treatment. Instead Kaidan pulled him forward, forcing his elbow out from under him, and he was about to complain but Kaidan brought his hand to rest at the center of his sternum. Kaidan’s skin was hot against Shepard’s, almost burning, and they both let out a gasp at the sensation.

“Shared body heat,” Kaidan smiled, one hand trapping Shepard’s there. “It does wonders.”

Shepard couldn’t take anymore. He was a man of action so he acted, leaning forward, but he wasn’t the only one and they found each other somewhere in the middle, exquisite pressure of mouth on mouth perhaps a bit rough for a first kiss, but it was exactly what Shepard needed. The way Kaidan’s eyes squeezed shut on a moan, how his hand left Shepard’s to slip around his neck, pulling him closer, told him it was what Kaidan needed too, so he let his eyes fall shut, opened his mouth when Kaidan opened his, let his hands and tongue explore. But it was an awkward angle, and after a few desperate moments they broke apart.

“C’mere,” Shepard panted, sitting up to make room on the couch, and he was shocked when Kaidan did, settling next to him and seeking his mouth again. He let him have it, yielding to him as his hands roamed over every inch of exposed skin, their thighs pressing together as they tried to close what little distance there was between them. Shepard ended up straddling his lap--Kaidan’s doing, he was pretty sure, but he wasn’t going to complain since it made kissing easier and he didn’t have to work to keep close. He leaned into him, his clothed chest pressing to Kaidan’s bare one, and if that put their groins in contact, well, he wasn’t going to complain about that, either.

Kaidan moaned against his mouth and thrust upward just a bit, but then he put his hands on Shepard’s hips to steady them both and tilted his head back to sever the kiss and look at him, eyes following the lines of scars once again. No words, just a look, his brow furrowed and his mouth a tight line despite the flush of arousal coloring his cheeks. He released his hold on one hip to touch the glow at his jaw with trembling fingers, and Shepard couldn't bare that look, not directed at him, so he closed his eyes and focussed on his touch instead. Kaidan traced that scar before moving on to another, and the trembling didn’t stop so Shepard made to distract them both, pressing forward and capturing Kaidan's lips again. It worked wonders, and when Shepard sought out Kaidan's tongue, the man thrust upward again, earning groans from them both.

Kissing Kaidan was like a cup of hot cocoa on a cold Mindoir night, so much better than he'd expected when it had sounded like bliss to begin with and he just wanted to sink to the bottom and stay there. Kaidan seemed to like that plan, one hand wandering while the one on his cheek slid over to curl around the back of his neck again, keeping him close as if he were going anywhere. They alternated between hard kisses and soft, rough and gentle, rolling their hips together occasionally for that spark of pleasure, and when Kaidan ran out of breath Shepard dropped his head to a bare shoulder, finding the skin there just as enticing as that mouth. He gave every bit of it equal attention, starting near the bicep and working his way in with lips and tongue and just a little bit if teeth, and when he reached the junction of neck and shoulder he paused there, relishing the sounds Kaidan made with each swipe of his tongue, the pants and tiny gasps. But he missed Kaidan’s lips, so after licking a clean line from shoulder to earlobe and blowing on the wet trail he caught them in a fierce kiss while Kaidan’s shivers shook them both.

“John.” The word collided against his lips and Kaidan wrapped an arm around his waist to pull him flush against him. “This is.... You’re....”

He seemed more interested in Shepard’s lips than in finishing his thought, but it didn’t matter because Shepard understood. “Yeah, Kaidan,” he sighed between passionate kisses. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

And that was another lie, really; as desperate as he was to stay at Kaidan’s side, he was headed back in the morning, back to his ship and his fight and his responsibilities. But it was the truth, too, somehow. Some part of him-- _every_ part of him that wasn’t Commander Shepard, Spectre, the parts that were just John, those parts would stay with Kaidan.

He nearly laughed aloud at the thought. It didn’t matter what he’d accomplished in the Alliance, when it came to Kaidan he was nothing but a sappy farm boy in love.

Kaidan must have felt his smile because now Shepard could feel his, and it left him light-headed and more than a little hard. He ground downward in Kaidan’s hold, and to his delight he found him just as excited. Kaidan’s hands left their posts to slide down Shepard’s body and work their way under his shirt and back up, one stroking along his spine while the other swept around to run a thumb over a nipple. He was wearing too many clothes, he realized as his head fell back on a moan, and as Kaidan took advantage of the exposed neck Shepard made to fix that, tugging off his vest. Kaidan helped with the shirt, four hands tugging it up, making the process no faster but somehow better, a joint effort, and it was a good thing because the suction just below his pulse point was proving distracting, disappearing only long enough pull the fabric over his head. 

He couldn’t quite believe he was there, hard and half-naked in Kaidan’s lap with Kaidan’s mouth and hands on his skin. It was something he’d wanted since... well, since he’d first met Kaidan, honestly. He’d fallen for that husky voice and those fervid brown eyes within minutes of their introduction aboard the SR-1. After all that time, all those missed chances, he was finally getting what he’d always wanted but never, ever expected.

And maybe Kaidan wanted it just as bad as he did, for as long as he had. It felt like it, the way he touched him, greedy hands rolling hard over the muscles in Shepard’s back from the hem of his pants to the nape of his neck, the way he kept their bodies pressed close, never allowing Shepard more than an inch of distance. Not that he wanted even that.

He was desperate for more friction, but he wasn’t going to make the next push. He would eagerly receive and return with enthusiasm anything Kaidan offered him, but he would stop the second Kaidan hesitated. Tonight, it was Kaidan’s call.

But it was only a few deliciously torturous minutes of getting acquainted with Kaidan’s mouth later that Shepard got his wish. Kaidan’s hands didn’t stop at the hem of his pants one sweep but continued boldly downward to grip his ass through the fabric, and using his forearms on Shepard’s thighs as leverage he dragged Shepard down as he thrust up, once, twice, three times until Shepard was a needy mess, breathing hard into Kaidan’s mouth. Both hands left Kaidan’s skin to grip the back of the couch and he started a steady rhythm, helped along by the hands on his rear. Christ, Kaidan felt good, every touch just the right blend of rough and tender, and he had to fight himself to keep it slow, to savor every second.

Kaidan wasn’t fighting, though. In fact, once Shepard had found the beat, his hands slipped from their hold on his ass to circle around his hips, deft fingers now fumbling as they worked at the buckle of Shepard’s belt. It took a moment longer than Shepard was willing to wait but by the time he’d shifted his weight enough to get a hand loose and assist Kaidan, he’d tugged it free. The pants were dealt with much quicker, and in what seemed like no time Kaidan had his hand inside, warm fingers wrapping around his length in a firm grip that had Shepard breaking the kiss to gasp into the crook of Kaidan’s shoulder.

It had been a very long time. Even without counting his two-year hiatus. The last time anyone had done this for him--well, it didn’t matter right then, only that Shepard was a little rusty and a _lot_ sensitive. He kept rocking his hips forward, thrusting into Kaidan’s strong fist, and it wasn’t long before Shepard was panting hard against Kaidan’s skin, one hand clawing at the bare expanse of back as the other found the leverage he needed buried in Kaidan’s hair.

But this wasn’t how he wanted it to go, and when Kaidan’s mouth started in on his neck again he had to pull back, stilling his hips with agonizing effort. Kaidan followed him, seeking his mouth again, and Shepard let him have it for a moment before resting a hand on that magnificent chest and pushing just a little. “Can we, uh,” he breathed, lips brushing Kaidan’s as they moved around his words, “bed? Not a lot of room to maneuver here.”

Kaidan hummed thoughtfully as he nipped at the stubbled line of Shepard’s jaw. “Seems alright to me,” he shrugged after a moment, and began to move his hand again, stroking Shepard from base to tip with slow movements, adding a wicked twist to his wrist every other pass.

“Jesus, K,” Shepard gasped, hips surging forward of their own volition. He had to make the effort to stop himself again, and then he had to stop Kaidan, snatching his wrist and pulling his hand away to pin it against the couch. Kaidan stilled beneath him, eyebrows arched in question, and Shepard had the ridiculous urge to trace them with his lips. “I don’t want this to be one-sided.”

One hand still holding Kaidan’s wrist down, Shepard let the other glide down the man’s chest, his stomach, to rub Kaidan’s bulge through his pajama pants. Kaidan groaned, his head pressing back into the couch cushions, and after sucking in a tight breath he nodded. “Yeah. Okay.”

Moving to the bed was easier said than done but they managed it, shedding what clothes remained on the way so that when the backs of Shepard’s knees hit the bed frame their bodies were pressed together in ways that almost had him on the brink. Kaidan pushed him by the shoulders and Shepard went, landing on his ass on the hard mattress, and for a glorious moment Shepard’s vision was taken up by the sight of Kaidan’s length, jutting from a thatch of black curls, hard and heavy and dark with blood. Kaidan’s size was impressive, to say the least, and Shepard wondered how much of the man he could fit in his mouth. It had been a long time in that department, too, longer, even, but he couldn’t think of anyone he would rather refresh his skills with more.

But before he could get a taste Kaidan leant down, capturing his mouth, and now all he could see was brown eyes, and that was good too, maybe better, because Kaidan was straddling his hips as they kissed, and then with a hand at the back of Shepard’s neck he lowered them down onto the bed, bringing them flush against each other again. Kaidan’s weight felt amazing, crushing him into the mattress, and it felt even better when Kaidan started rolling his hips over him, their erections trapped between their bellies as skin slid against skin. A few minutes of incredible friction had them both panting, both slick with sweat, and Kaidan broke the kiss to mouth across Shepard’s collar bone.

“Shepard,” he panted against the skin there, hot breath sending shivers through Shepard’s spine. “I.... Do you want to...?”

Shepard nodded without hesitation, a thrill running through him. “Yeah. God, yes.”

“I don’t, uh....” Kaidan lifted his head to look at him, a nervous smile creasing the skin around his eyes in a way that had Shepard’s heart in a clinch. “I don’t have....”

It took him a moment to grasp what Kaidan was talking about, distracted as he was by everything he could see and feel, but when comprehension dawned he had a nervous smile of his own. “M--my bag.”

Kaidan arched an eyebrow, that devilish smirk Shepard had seen so little of, and somehow it worked to calm his nerves--though not as much as the light kiss that followed. “High expectations, huh, John?” he chuckled when he pulled back.

“No. Just hopeful.”

Another frenzy of lips and tongue and Shepard could _feel_ that smirk, but too soon Kaidan pulled away, entirely this time, shoving himself up off the bed in search of Shepard’s pack. While Shepard waited he shifted into position, pushing himself up the mattress until his head rested on the pillows. He planted his feet and spread his knees, putting himself on display. It was a vulnerable position, almost too vulnerable for his liking, and he covered his face with one hand to hide the heat in his cheeks while the other drifted down to stroke himself with lazy movements.

He was rewarded for his openness when Kaidan returned; after dropping the bag on the bed beside Shepard, he knelt between Shepard’s legs, hands caressing his inner thighs. Shepard took his hand away from his face to find Kaidan staring down at him, gaze travelling the length of his body with a kind of hunger Shepard had never had the privilege of seeing there before. It was a little unbalancing, the raw _want_ in Kaidan’s darkened eyes. He was looking at Shepard as if he had plans to devour him.

He was looking at _Shepard_.

Shepard thought the moment couldn’t be more perfect but Kaidan proved him wrong. He leant forward and placed a kiss to the hollow of Shepard’s throat, one hand grazing the center of his chest before drifting down to join Shepard’s on his shaft. “You’re incredible, John.” His words were muffled against Shepard’s skin and Shepard’s gasps at the contact, but he heard him. “Gorgeous. I never thought....”

Shepard would never know, because Kaidan opted for taking his mouth rather than finishing the thought, but it was slow and sweet and so _Kaidan_ that maybe Shepard knew exactly what he meant, because kissing like this felt a little like dying and a little like starting anew. “Yeah,” he sighed in agreement, free hand nesting in Kaidan’s hair.

“John,” Kaidan hummed against him, and Shepard knew he would never get tired of hearing his name from those lips. “There’s....” He pulled back to take a breath, and his gaze locked with Shepard’s. “There’s something I want you to do for me.”

Kaidan started moving his hand again--funny, he hadn’t noticed the loss of friction--in long, firm strokes, dragging Shepard’s hand along with it, and Shepard lost sight of those brown eyes as his blue fluttered shut on a moan, but they were still there when he opened them again. “Anything.”

“I want you to....” He paused, brow furrowed. His ears, the tip of his nose, high in his cheeks all turned pink, barely noticeable through the flush of arousal that had crept into his skin. It was the most beautiful thing Shepard had ever seen. Kaidan bit his lip, teeth sinking into the faint scar there for a brief moment before releasing it. “Fuck me.”

The words sent a jolt of excitement through him, and when his imagination caught up a second later another moan escaped him, far from dignified but he was far beyond caring. “Anything,” he repeated, breathless, the hand tangled in Kaidan’s hair slipping down to caress his cheek. Kaidan smiled, let out a breath that sounded like relief as he leant forward for a quick kiss before sitting back on his haunches between Shepard’s spread legs. Shepard had to release his hold on his shaft to rifle through the bag, but Kaidan kept his hand moving, slow strokes in a firm grip that almost made Shepard forget what he was looking for. “You aren’t helping, you know,” he chided. Kaidan’s only response was to roll his thumb over the head of Shepard’s dick, lingering at the slit and _pressing_ \--and one of those wicked smirks, too. Shepard didn’t see it, eyes squeezed shut as he gasped for breath, hips rocking forward without his consent, but he knew it was there.

It took him longer than it should have but he found what he was looking for, a pack of condoms and a bottle of lube. As soon as he had them in hand Kaidan was on him again, all ferocity as he took Shepard’s mouth, replacing the hand on his skin with full body contact, and Shepard was lost, everything forgotten but the man above him. Kaidan moved and Shepard followed, and they ended up inverted, Shepard pinning Kaidan to the mattress as they writhed together. They worked themselves into another frenzy before Shepard had the presence of mind to pull away.

He popped open the bottle and Kaidan spread his legs like he was made for it. Shepard had to pause to admire the view; Kaidan was a god, tanned skin glistening with a sheen of sweat, muscled chest rising and falling with every deep breath, staring back at Shepard with so much intensity he thought he might shatter beneath it. But then Kaidan’s hand slid down his body, wrapped around his length, and Shepard was reminded of the man’s request.

“You’ve done this before?” Shepard asked as he smeared a generous amount of the cool gel over his fingers, though from Kaidan’s display he already figured the answer.

He nodded. “Been a while, though.”

Shepard settled on his stomach between Kaidan’s thighs, legs dangling over the end of the bed, and he had to still himself from thrusting against the scratchy Alliance issue blanket that was just this side of too much friction. He batted Kaidan’s hand away and took its place with one hand while the fingers he’d slicked found Kaidan’s entrance. Kaidan tensed on instinct at the touch, but a deep breath in and hissed out through his teeth and he relaxed, lifting his knees to give Shepard better access. A small nod from Kaidan had Shepard pressing forward slowly, one finger slipping inside, his thumb resting below Kaidan’s balls, sliding against the soft skin, applying pressure at random and watching as Kaidan bit his lip again, eyes squeezing shut. He wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or not, a look of pleasure or discomfort, so he stilled his finger while the other hand worked Kaidan with firm strokes, base to tip and back down again, thumb brushing over the sensitive skin just below the head with every downward movement. Kaidan gave him his answer soon, rocking down onto the digit inside him before thrusting up into Shepard’s palm. Shepard took his cue, eased out before pushing back in, twisting his wrist as he did, and Kaidan gave a little huff through his nose, head rolling to the side on his pillow.

A second finger pushed in alongside the first, and the band of muscle tightened around the new intrusion. Shepard wasn’t a patient man but he waited, littering Kaidan’s thighs with kisses and scrapes of his teeth, working his way from the inside of one knee to his groin and down the other side, and by the time he reached the other knee Kaidan was relaxed, rolling his hips in time with Shepard’s movements.

Kaidan wasn’t as vocal as Shepard had imagined, but he was _reactive_ , muscles twitching with every motion Shepard made, back arching off the mattress when Shepard curved his fingers, hands never settling for long, sometimes gripping the headboard, sometimes tangling in the sheets, sometimes sweeping over Shepard’s prickly scalp. That was his favorite, the light touches, the feel of Kaidan’s hands on his skin, warm and intimate and always gone too soon.

At least, he wasn’t very vocal _at first_ , his only sounds bright gasps and breathy sighs, but that changed when Shepard’s tactics did. As a third finger pressed in, he leaned forward, ran the flat of his tongue over the head while his hand continued working the shaft, and Kaidan let out a hoarse shout, hips jolting up for more of that wet heat, and when Shepard obliged, taking him into his mouth, the shout broke off in a shuddering moan. 

That was it; those were the sounds he’d imagined--or close, although the reality was far better than the fantasy, melodious and rasping at once, warm and more _Kaidan_ than any of Shepard’s dreams had ever managed. The sound coursed through every part of him, sending shivers through his body to pool pleasure at the base of his spine, and he thrust against the bedsheets with a moan of his own as he took as much of Kaidan as he could into his mouth.

It had been a _very_ long time since he’d done this, and he was definitely rusty, too much teeth and never enough air, but Kaidan tasted good, a little musky and a little salty but clean, too, like fresh water on a hot day, and even better was the feel of it, the way it grew between his lips, the twitches it gave each time Shepard’s fingers found his prostate, the pulsing vein just beneath the smooth skin pressed to his tongue. He would’ve liked to stay there until morning, between Kaidan’s legs, mouth around his hard prick, fingers deep inside him, watching as he squirmed and whimpered beneath Shepard’s touch, but Kaidan grew impatient, the hands on Shepard’s scalp working desperate patterns, nails scraping the sensitive skin. After a deep chuckle that had Kaidan quaking, Shepard took this cue, too, pulling off with a wet sound before easing his fingers out. Kaidan groaned at the loss, but he opened his eyes and lifted his head, staring down his body at Shepard with so much lust Shepard thought he might lose it right there. Deep breaths were all that kept him from the edge as he rolled a condom down his shaft, deep breaths and the overwhelming desire to give Kaidan what he wanted.

They were ready, both of them, Shepard sheathed and slick, Kaidan open and wanting, but Shepard stopped there, a hesitant hand caressing Kaidan’s hipbone. It had been a long time, and it wasn’t like Shepard had a lot of experience, anyway--as much as he enjoyed it, sex had lost its importance after the raid on Mindoir--maybe it had been the sight of his first love laying dead in the street, he didn’t know, couldn’t think about it right then. He just wanted to make this good for Kaidan.

He must have hesitated a moment too long because Kaidan sat up, his legs settling around Shepard’s hips as he supported himself on his arms behind him, and that put them nose-to-nose. Shepard’s world suddenly shrank to those amber eyes, the skin against his own, and he couldn’t think of anything he would want or need beyond that.

“What’s up?” Kaidan breathed against his lips.

Shepard nearly laughed at himself when he realized how ridiculous it was. He could take on Krogan, the Council, an ancient machine come to end organic life, without hesitation, but an intimate act with someone he cared about made him pause.

No. _Cared about_ didn’t cover it. He loved him. Kaidan had his heart. He wanted Kaidan’s in return, thought maybe he had it, maybe Kaidan was giving it to him right then, their bodies so close, their eyes locked, lips brushing but never with the pressure of a kiss. Shepard could see the lust in Kaidan’s amber gaze, and the concern, the patient question, and yes, there was love there too, soft and calm and steady under all that burning heat.

The words were rising, he nearly let them escape, but he knew he couldn’t. Not like this, not when he was leaving in the morning, not when he didn’t know what any of this meant, if it would mean anything at all. He silenced himself by closing the small distance, sealing their mouths together. And maybe he told Kaidan just the same, with his lips and his tongue, because that’s what Kaidan was telling him when he kissed him back.

When they broke apart, Kaidan had this smile, this tiny quirk of the lips, and it told Shepard everything he needed to know, _I love you_ and _I want this_ and _no, you’re not dreaming_ , or maybe that was just Shepard’s imagination but the smile was there all the same.

He only had one question. “How do you want to do this?” he asked, untangling his arms from around Kaidan’s torso; he didn’t remember putting them there.

“I want to see you,” was all Kaidan said, voice deep with sex and affection, and damn if it wasn’t the most wonderful thing he’d ever heard. Kaidan sank back onto the mattress, knees framing shepard's hips, and looked up at him expectantly.

"Yeah," Shepard agreed as he shifted forward, aligning himself with Kaidan's body. He wanted to ask if this was alright, if kaidan was sure, if this was really what he wanted, but he already knew the answer. If kaidan didn't want this, he wouldn't have asked for it. He wasn't the type to do these things _lightly_ , after all.

And that memory had Shepard’s mind spinning off in a million different directions and spiralling back with a million different questions, but now wasn’t the time for any of them, so he tried not to think about it, tried not to think about anything as he pressed forward, the head of him sinking into Kaidan’s body.

This part always felt a little wrong, pushing in while the muscles worked to keep him out, and a grimace from the man beneath him had him stilling his hips, barely an inch inside the tight heat. He reached down, hands smoothing over the rigid muscles of Kaidan’s stomach, as much to comfort the man as to distract himself from the urge to move. He let his hands wander, sliding down his sides to work his thumbs in the curves of Kaidan’s hips, gliding back up to trace fingernails along his ribs, skimming over to graze hard nipples with the heels of his palms. Kaidan arched into the touch, and they both groaned when the movement sank Shepard further into him.

“God, Kaidan,” Shepard gasped, bracing himself on the sentinel’s chest to keep his control. “You’re....”

“Yeah, Shepard. Yeah.” It wasn’t agreement but permission, puffed out between deep panting breaths beneath half-lidded eyes as he moved his hips again, rocking upward then down, pushing Shepard a little deeper each time. Shepard lifted one of Kaidan’s legs, hugged it to his chest with one arm as he eased forward the last couple inches, body straining with the effort to take it slow, until he was rooted, the curve of Kaidan’s ass the perfect fit against the dip in Shepard’s hips. He waited there, body taut with need, while Kaidan adjusted, but it wasn’t long before Kaidan was moving again, rocking his hips off the mattress, free leg wrapping around Shepard’s waist to pull him in closer. That _wrong_ feeling faded as the tension in Kaidan’s muscles eased, still tight and hot but relaxed, too, eager, and so damn _right_ he thought he was born to be there.

_Made_ to be there. Whatever.

They built separate rhythms, Kaidan’s rocking and Shepard’s thrust, Shepard moving faster but not by much, the lack of synchrony slowly driving them both wild. It wasn’t perfect--a bit of faltering, a few awkward pauses and apologetic smiles while they learned each other’s forms--but it was better, somehow, more real than perfect, more Kaidan, more _them_. If kissing Kaidan was a cup of cocoa on a cold Mindoir night, then this was salvation, strong arms lifting him from that place of dying and carrying him to safety. He didn’t know what that word meant anymore, _safety_ , aside from that button on his gun, but he knew this felt like it.

Shepard reached down to take Kaidan in hand--those fingers had gone cold again, and he kissed Kaidan’s ankle in apology when he let out a little yelp at the icy touch. He switched hands, this one still warm from Kaidan’s skin. He had to release Kaidan’s leg to get the right angle, and Kaidan hooked it around his ribs, sliding down to rest his heel at the small of Shepard’s back, dragging him closer on each thrust. Kaidan’s growl when Shepard’s hand started to move sent tremors through him, and he thrust a little harder once, twice before he could get himself under control. Not that Kaidan minded, judging from his look of blown-out bliss.

He tried to warm his free hand with his mouth, blowing on it as Kaidan had done, so he could put it to use, but Kaidan stopped him, snatched his hand away and brought it to his own lips. Another one of those wicked smirks, this one broken around a gasp, and Kaidan slipped two fingers into his mouth, breathing hard through his nose. Kaidan’s tongue was _hot hot hot_ against his frigid skin and he moaned loud when it started to move, laving against the knuckles as Kaidan sucked, following the beat of Shepard’s thrusts, a strange pantomime but no less erotic, no less exactly what Shepard needed. When those fingers were warmed Kaidan drew them free, nipping at Shepard’s fingertips, before moving on to the next two fingers, then the thumb. Shepard leaned down to capture Kaidan’s lips as the last digit slipped out, bracing his warm, wet fingers against Kaidan’s chest to support himself.

He pulled back from the kiss, both of them panting for air, and the pace quickened. It wasn’t something Shepard had much control over, body overtaking mind, heart pumping desperation to every muscle working him into Kaidan. Kaidan’s eyes fell shut, lips parted on a silent moan as he gasped and writhed and bucked beneath Shepard.

And then there was that other thing, another reason sex wasn’t so important to Shepard--as control of his body waned, so did control of his biotics. He could feel it already, crackling along his skin, a light barrier that set every nerve tingling, made his hairs stand on end. He tried to shut it down, draw the energy back in, but it was hopeless without losing the beat, without losing this closeness to Kaidan. He would have to settle for a warning. “Kaidan,” he gasped, the fingers still slick with Kaidan’s spit curling in against his skin while the others pumped him faster, rhythm faltering. “I-I’m close... and I--”

When Kaidan opened his eyes Shepard fell silent on a moan. Instead of the brown he’d been expecting, Kaidan’s eyes were a brilliant blue, unnaturally bright, always fluctuating. A moment later that same blue hummed to life across Kaidan’s skin, Shepard could feel it under his hands, the same kind of tingling but different somehow, lighter and softer and new and exquisite, and suddenly it was everywhere, hanging in the air, entwining with his own glow, spreading to reach every part of him, even, _oh god_ \--

“Shep--John--I’m--”

Kaidan broke off with a whimper, back arching off the mattress, pleasure pulsing out in waves that Shepard could actually _see_ , dark energy undulating around them in time with the heartbeat he could feel pounding beneath his palm. A couple more thrusts and Kaidan came hard, groaning Shepard’s name, every muscle held taut as the blue around them brightened, the tingling along his skin rising to a splendid burn. Kaidan clenching around him, Kaidan’s power caressing him, the little whines Kaidan gave with each thrust, it was perfect, it was everything, it was too much, the pleasure building at the base of his spine, rising until he couldn’t take anymore and it crested, crashing through him, rolling up his spine and pumping through his veins. He flared, the dark energy surrounding him going blindingly bright, every nerve screaming bliss as he rode it out, eyes closed, head fallen back, hips moving slow against Kaidan’s.

And in those moments, spent inside Kaidan's body, amber eyes and hot skin the only thing in his haze of pleasure, Shepard knew he was home.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coming down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess I should let you guys know that this fic wasn’t really written in a chapter format; I broke it up into chapters afterward for easier reading/posting (and, okay, maybe a little torture), but the chapter ends and starts are pretty arbitrary. That’s especially apparent with this chapter start. Chapter 4 was already so long, I just needed to break it somewhere. So slightly awkward chapter beginning maybe? Plus a shorter chapter. Don't worry, the next one will be longer.

It might have been hours but Shepard came down eventually, blue fizzling out across his skin, muscles relaxing, breath evening out.  Kaidan was still squirming beneath him, panting, and when he saw Shepard’s eyes open he grabbed him by the back of the neck and pulled him down for a breathless kiss.  Shepard laughed into it, airy and light, not a single thought beyond the soft lips against his, the warm arms wrapping around his shoulders, the pleasant numbness humming through his body.

When Kaidan pulled back, he quirked a smile up at the adept, eyes sparkling with affection and humour and joy.  “Careful, Shepard,” he rumbled, and sucked in a breath when Shepard pulled out of him.  “You could bruise a guy’s ego, laughing at a time like this.” 

Condom discarded, Shepard collapsed onto the mattress beside the man, slotting against his side like they’d been doing this for years.  One of Kaidan’s arms came up to wrap around his shoulders, and he smiled against Kaidan’s chest, which he used in lieu of a pillow.  “Sorry.  Your ego can remain intact.  That was... intense.” 

“Yeah.”  Kaidan shivered, just a small thing but Shepard felt it.  “I didn’t know you could flare.” 

Shepard chuckled again, dragged his stubble over Kaidan’s skin.  That earned a grunt, a sound from deep in Kaidan’s gut that arced up out of him in a puff of air.  He liked that noise.  He liked all of Kaidan’s noises.  “I’ve only ever been able to when I....”  He cracked a grin.  “Well, you know.” 

“That’s, ah....”  Kaidan swallowed loudly when Shepard’s mouth found his skin, open-mouth kisses and tender swipes of the tongue just below the end of his collar bone.  “That’s good to know.  And pretty hot, actually.” 

Shepard scoffed.  “Me?  What you did was... wow.”  He set a hand exploring, palming over Kaidan’s abs and down his thighs, scraping blunt nails over his sides, gliding up to trace the lines of his shoulders.  “I didn’t know it could be like that.  That... easy.  I’d never been with a biotic before.” 

Kaidan’s honey eyes were all empathy when Shepard lifted his head to meet them.  Of course, Kaidan understood.  Human biotics were freaks.  

“I didn’t know it would happen my first time,” Kaidan said, soft smile worn at the edges with something like remorse.  “Made the poor girl scream.  And not in the good way.” 

“Yeah, I had a few of those.”  He snuggled in close, legs tangling with Kaidan’s, absently swirling a finger around one of Kaidan’s nipples.  He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been this relaxed, this sated.  This happy.  Just to have a warm body next to him-- _Kaidan’s_ warm body--it meant everything.  It was what he had been longing for all this time, every desire that kept him up nights, every hope he’d clung to that had pulled him through the madness of the past month. 

Everything he would have to say goodbye to in the morning. 

That thought knocked the wind out of him, left him reeling.  How was he supposed to leave?  Knowing what Kaidan felt like, how Kaidan tasted....  How could he walk out that door in a few hours’ time and leave this all behind? 

“This worries me, Shepard.”  Kaidan’s free hand plucked Shepard’s from its idle rotation around his pectoral and laced their fingers together.  They’d gone cold again.  “Biotics run hot.  Have you told Chakwas about this?” 

He nodded.  “Just poor circulation.  I guess they didn’t slap me back together quite right, even with the cybernetics.  Could be worse, though.” 

He felt Kaidan’s muscles tense beneath him, a subtle change but they stayed that way. 

“Kaidan....”  He frowned against the sentinel’s ribs.  Kaidan must have felt it because he palmed over Shepard’s scalp before sliding his hand down to grasp Shepard’s chin and tilt it toward him. His brow was furrowed with concern.  “There’s something else.  Something I didn’t tell you.” 

Kaidan took a measured breath, nodded as he let it out, the heat of it warming Shepard’s skin.  “Okay.  What is it?” 

He spent a moment trying to find the right words, cheek pressed to Kaidan’s hot skin, their fingers still entwined, the hand Kaidan had wrapped around him painting idle patterns over his scarred back.  But there were no right words.  He pushed himself up to sit on the edge of the mattress, feet on the floor, back to Kaidan.  It would be easier this way, maybe, without seeing those anxious brown eyes, the lines crinkling around Kaidan’s brow, the steady frown. 

“Shepard, what’s--” 

“It’s... this mission.  Where it’s headed.”  He ran a hand over his scalp, wished it were Kaidan’s hand instead.  “I’m going to do everything I can to stop this thing.  And I’m _not_ going to let Cerberus get their claws in me.  I need you to know that.”  The mattress shifted as Kaidan sat up, the headboard creaking as he leaned his weight against it.  “But what we have to do....  There’s a good chance we aren’t coming back from it.  They’re calling it a suicide mission.” 

A sharp breath sucked in between gritted teeth was the only response he left time for. 

“That’s life in the line of duty, right?  Never know when your number’s gonna be up.  Nothing new.  But this....  This is going to get bad.   _Worse_.  I can feel it.” 

“Shepard--” 

“But it’s what I have to do.”  As much as it terrified him, when he actually let himself think about it.  “If I don’t, no one will.  Or Cerberus will.  And I don’t know which would be worse.” 

Kaidan was silent for a long while, still tense beside him. Shepard stayed quiet, forcing himself to let the man speak his mind. 

“Shepard, look....  I know you wouldn’t do this if you weren’t sure it needed to be done.” Kaidan’s voice was slow and thoughtful, his hand coming back, fingertips tracing gently along his shoulder blades. “It just seems so unfair now.” The words came out on a quiet sigh as if Kaidan didn’t even realize he was saying them aloud. 

Shepard felt a muscle in his jaw twitch and he dug his fingers into the edge of the bed, fighting not to react. Nothing seemed to be fair when it came to him.  Even this stolen moment of time with Kaidan was wrong, knowing there was a damn big possibility this would never happen again. 

There was a soft creak as Kaidan leaned forward, sliding his hand over Shepard’s shoulder to splay across the center of his chest, pulling him back and breathing into his ear.  “As much as I hate to admit it, Cerberus knows what they’re doing putting you in charge of this mission.   If anyone can do this, John, it’s you.”  He huffed a chuckle that sent a shiver down Shepard’s spine.  “You have a way of spinning the odds on its head.” He punctuated the words by brushing his nose against the shell of Shepard’s ear. 

“Yeah.”  But he didn’t feel it, _couldn’t_ after everything that had happened.  He found Kaidan’s hand against his skin and laced their fingers together.  “Nothing like dying to make you feel less untouchable.” 

Kaidan tensed again, but only for a moment before he shifted closer, pressing his chest to Shepard’s back and wrapping his other arm around his waist, palms flat against skin.  He dragged his chin over Shepard’s bare shoulder, the light stubble sending shocks through him.  “If you were untouchable, I’d never get to do this,” he murmured before following the stubble with his lips, so soft and warm in comparison.  He stopped partway to Shepard’s bicep, rested his chin on Shepard’s shoulder, and sighed.  “Of course you’re not invincible.  You’re human.  But you’re the best at what you do.  You’re _incredible_.  You’ll get the job done.  And you’ll be around to get the credit.” 

“You sound awfully certain.” 

Kaidan’s teeth found his earlobe, a light tug followed by a sweep of his tongue.  “I am.” 

He still couldn’t feel it, that certainty, the easy knowledge that he would triumph like he’d had against Saren.  He wasn’t sure of anything anymore, wasn’t sure of himself, of what was right, of who he could trust.  All he knew was that Kaidan’s hands on his skin felt like heaven, and he’d earned a bit of that. 

But Kaidan was sure.  Kaidan, with his integrity and his cautiousness and his devotion.  He believed in Shepard, trusted him to do the right thing.  And that was almost as good as believing it himself.  Hell, in some ways it was better. 

Maybe in a lot of ways. 

He turned in Kaidan’s arms and that mouth was waiting for him, eager and soft and perfect, and Kaidan pulled him closer, nudging him back to laying, and he sighed against the sentinel because _shit_ , Kaidan felt good, made him feel good, and because he never thought he’d get this, not after Cerberus, not after those two years he’d missed.  And if he could have this, even if just for the night, then maybe.... Maybe he was _that lucky_. 

Maybe he was a little bit invincible. 

He was starting to feel like it, kissing Kaidan, the sentinel’s weight spread out over one side of him, a knee between his legs, hands everywhere as their hearts beat together through their ribcages.  He felt like he could take on the galaxy if he had to--or save it.  Whatever he had to do.  As long as Kaidan was there. 

And he left the thought there, before it could grow into something else, a terrifying shade of what was to come.  He was here, beneath the thing he’d wanted most, a tongue working against his and a thigh grinding him back to attention, and he wouldn’t waste it by wallowing in the coming loss. 

This time it was Shepard asking a favor, and Kaidan was more than happy to oblige, their bodies stretched out beside each other, one of Shepard’s legs lifted so Kaidan could open him as they kissed.  He was slow about it, taking his time, working each new finger until Shepard was desperate, clawing at his back as he moaned into his mouth, hard and twitching between them. 

There was a bit of awkward shuffling as they moved into position, but Kaidan’s full weight settled atop him a moment later, slick member sliding along Shepard’s cleft, and maybe this was a bit awkward too but they were so close, bodies pressed together, Shepard leaking onto Kaidan’s chest while Kaidan’s teeth scraped over his collarbone, fingers coming up to curl desperately into the sentinel’s soft hair.  The first push in was tense, on the cusp of pain, but Kaidan was a patient man, far more patient than Shepard could ever hope to be, and it wasn’t long before they were moving together, rolling hips against hips and sweaty skin against sweaty skin, Shepard trapped within those amber depths for as long as he could keep his eyes open.  The pressure was building, blue flickering across his skin and fogging his vision, his muscles tensing as he coiled closer, closer to the edge--

“ _Shitshitfuck_ \--” 

Kaidan shoved himself upright, hips slamming forward, and oh, god, that was just what Shepard needed, and he wrapped a hand around himself but then Kaidan pulled back, sliding out, leaving the adept whimpering and squirming for more friction. 

“Shepard--there’s... something....” 

It took a second for his vision to clear, and when it did Kaidan’s hand that had been pressed into the mattress next to his hip had come up and Kaidan was twisting, scrabbling back over his shoulder, face contorted though not in pleasure.  He grasped whatever it was and pulled, and Shepard could hear the sickening squelch as the thing came free from his flesh. 

“What the...?”  He had his fist wrapped around something, something that squirmed and hissed against his fingers.  In the dim morning light spilling through the windows Shepard could make out a hard-shelled body, four twitching legs, beating wings and glowing yellow eyes.... 

It wriggled out of Kaidan’s grasp and dropped out of sight, and a moment later there was a sharp pain, just below his knee, and the flutter of wings as the strange insect flitted away into the shadows. 

“Kaidan, are you okay?” 

There was no response, but he got his answer when he propped himself on his elbows to get a better look at the man.  Kaidan was frozen in place, a sickly orange glow blanketing his skin, panicked eyes flicking between unblinking eyelids. 

The collectors.   _The collectors were here_. 

A moment later, that orange light burst across Shepard’s body, and he was trapped, struggling against nothing as the pain ripped through him. 

His scream didn’t make it past his throat. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry sorry sorry!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Breaking out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love you all and thanks again to my wonderful [Elevatordancer](http://elevatordancing.tumblr.com) for putting up with my shit!

Steady.  Keep it steady.  Slow.  Deep breaths.  Lungs hurt too much.  Shallow breaths, then.  In-out-in-out.  Take it easy.  Just breathe.  Focus on breathing.

He focused on Kaidan’s breathing too, the rapid exchange of air through his nose, the labored rise and fall of his sweat-slicked and orange-tinted chest, the way it meant Kaidan’s heart was beating. 

Shepard wasn’t sure his own was. 

Every inch of him was burning.  Whatever it was that held them in place seemed to work from the inside, locking up his body, nearly every muscle wound as tight as it could go.  He couldn’t relax, couldn’t move, couldn’t talk.  Couldn’t open his mouth for the gasping breath he needed, jaw clenched shut so tight his teeth felt in danger of cracking.  All he could do was huff through his nose and lock eyes with Kaidan. 

Panic was still fresh in those eyes but it was ebbing, replaced with something that looked like fury.   _Yeah_ , Shepard wanted to say, _I’m right there with you_. 

Instead, he waited. 

He didn’t know how much time passed, but with each second the pain grew, muscles weary and screaming.  Pain did funny things to time.  But after what felt like years, the ache still hadn’t eased. 

He had to pull his head together.  Come up with a plan.  It was what he did, after all, planned and planned and planned again when things went crooked.  He could do this.  He just had to.... 

Fuck, he didn’t know. 

The QEC. Miranda had given it to him for a situation like this.  If he could just get to it, he could send them his coordinates.  Maybe Mordin found a solution to the seeker swarms while Shepard was gone, maybe he had it all figured out, if only he could reach his bag.... 

Something caught his attention, dragged it back from where he could barely see the bag laying on the floor.  A flicker of light, and it turned out to be coming from Kaidan, the brown of his eyes eclipsed by blue. As they looked at each other, that blue quivered to life across his skin. He went as bright as he could go, near blinding in the dim room, and when the light faded he collapsed forward onto Shepard, trembling against him as he wheezed and groaned. Shepard followed his example, biting back the pain to activate his biotics, pushing hard for a flare, and it was nowhere near, fizzling out cold, vision graying around the edges, but it was enough. 

Every muscle, every tendon, every ligament smoothed out before seizing up again. This time his scream made it out into the open as he thrashed against the agony pounding through him. 

“Sh-Shepard.”  Kaidan’s voice in his ear, something between a whimper and a growl as he quaked through the aftershock.  “Th-there are more....  You need t-to....  Barrier....” 

He could hear them, buzzing around the edges of the room, sometimes flitting closer.  But with his body locked up like this, the most he could manage was a flicker, and even that drew a sob from him as his wasted muscles revolted.  A few deep, stuttering breaths sucked in through gritted teeth and he tried again, starting small, building up energy in his clenched fists to spread it out over his body like he’d done in his rookie years.  It was weak, but it held, even as his vision blurred with tears. 

“Okay.  Okay, good.  They can’t get through.”  Kaidan’s voice was stronger now, still rough with pain but steady, the way he spoke when he was trying to hide a migraine.  “Just hold it, okay, John?” 

Kaidan shifted above him and he nodded, a tiny jarring motion that threatened to snap the tendons in his neck.  A flash of orange entered his cloudy vision and a second later he could breathe, muscles relaxing, agony fading to a throbbing ache that felt like pleasure in comparison.  The sob that broke from his chest was from relief this time as he blinked up at the blurry face above him. 

“You alright?” 

It took him a moment to regain himself, muscles twitching in their freedom, breaths coming in heaving gasps, but when he did he nodded.  “Yeah.  Thanks.”  He tried to sit up, but found that Kaidan was still between his legs.  They untangled, both slow and weak but the second their feet hit the floor they set to work, Shepard rifling through his bag to send his coordinates through the QEC with shaking hands as Kaidan struggled to free his armor from its crate.  "You got another set? I don't have my gear."

Another crate torn open and they suited up in silence, Shepard wearing a pair of Kaidan's underarmor with no time or energy to think much about it. As he pulled the helmet on, the QEC blared to life. 

"Shepard." It was Garrus. "What the hell are you doing on Horizon?"

"No time, Garrus. I need the ship here, now. The collectors are here."

There was a moment of silence before Garrus let out a curse. "That old bastard was right."

He didn’t have time to ask what that meant because Kaidan was shoving him sideways, forcing him down behind the back of the couch.  A gesture to the other side answered Shepard’s questioning look, and he lifted himself up just enough to peek over the top. 

Just outside the window, not five meters away was a cluster of those hideous bugs, five of them, sharp claws armed with heavy guns, a line of those ghastly pods he’d seen on the vids from Freedom’s Progress floating behind them.  They’d stopped, scanning the street and nearby buildings.  Shepard dropped back down just as the nearest turned its glowing eyes toward them. 

Kaidan’s gaze sought his, and Shepard counted his breaths one, two, three as the energy built in his fist.  On four he released it, flinging his arm up over the couch to send the fluctuating vortex hurtling toward the group, and he slumped back down on the floor before it hit but he heard it, the shift of air, the scurry of the insects as they were lifted off their feet.  Every last bit of energy he had went into maintaining that field, but luckily it was only a second before Kaidan made his move, standing to put his weight behind it as he threw his own burst of biotic energy.   Shepard felt it when it landed, an impact that sent a vibration through him as the fields met and tore through the beasts as the singularity expanded briefly before collapsing in on itself.  It left him with a rush of adrenaline, enough to get him on his feet again. 

“What’s your ETA?” he barked at Garrus once he was sure they were clear. 

“We’re a few minutes out.  Cerberus heard reports of collector activity in this system.  We’ve been trying to contact you for hours.” 

Relief washed over him at the words.  He’d feared they would be halfway across the galaxy. 

“Comm systems are offline,” Kaidan explained as he pressed a pistol into Shepard’s hand.  “So are the defense towers.  I’d say those are more important right now.” 

“Who the hell--is that Alenko?” 

Shepard ignored the question.  “Has Mordin come up with a solution to the seeker swarms yet?” 

“Yeah, he just finished it. Guess he works better under pressure.  Some shield modification, should keep them off us.” 

“Okay.  Make sure everyone gets that upgrade.  I need everyone who’s combat-able suited up and ready to hit ground.  Two teams sweeping the streets.  Zaeed with you, Miranda and Jacob with Mordin.  Kasumi should stay cloaked and meet me at the defense tower.”  A steady throb was starting behind his eyes to match the one still fresh in the rest of his body, and one glance at Kaidan told him he was feeling it too.  He squeezed his eyes shut for a second before willing them open again.  “Have her bring stim packs and extra medi-gel.  We’re gonna need it.” 

“You alright there, Shepard?” 

No, he really wasn’t.  A colony to save and he could hardly lift his gun.  He fiddled with his omni-tool for another dose of medi-gel and sighed with relief as the ache ebbed a bit more.  “We’re moving,” he said gruffly as he moved to the door.  “That’s what matters.” 

The streets were deserted when they emerged from Kaidan’s quarters, still too early for the lazy bustle of colony life.  The sun sat just below the green hills in the distance, stained the sky a brilliant orange, and the breeze carried the scent of the earth, swayed the trees in a soothing whisper that reminded him of the fields he’d grown up in, and for a moment it seemed peaceful, almost serene.  Almost like home.  But then Kaidan grabbed his shoulder, gestured to something off in the distance, and any sense of calm Shepard felt was crushed.  On the opposite side of the colony, looming high above them, was the collector ship, engines spewing black ash into the air. 

Too much like home. 

He tried not to think about batarian slaver ships as Kaidan led the way down the street and through an alley, or a batarian boot on his neck, or a batarian blade in his back.  This wasn’t Mindoir.  Horizon could still be saved. 

Around the next corner was another group of collectors, spread across a small courtyard, the strange pods littering the ground.  They took refuge behind one of them to peer around the sides.  One of the beasts had someone, the young woman that had given Shepard directions the day before.  It was dragging her by the arm toward one of those pods. 

“Lilith,” Kaidan breathed, fists tightening on his assault rifle.  He turned to look at Shepard, and Shepard had never seen such rage there before, but when he spoke again his voice was even.  “We have to save her.  She knows more about the comm systems than anyone.” 

Shepard nodded, peeked around their cover again.  There were six of them, spread out and pacing, scanning the streets and surveying the buildings.  The eyes of one swept in their direction, and--

“ _Shit_.” 

A beam hit him, sliced a hole straight through his barrier and he scrambled back behind the pod with a hiss of pain as he tried to close the gap.  It took a moment of concentration, and the throbbing behind his eyes intensified as his barrier finally fused back together.  Another dose of medi-gel and he nodded to Kaidan, pushing himself to his feet. 

They leapt into action.  The collectors were ready for them, but Shepard was quick, even as exhausted as he was, and he easily dodged the next beam.  A singularity lifted the beast dragging Lilith off its feet, and Kaidan hit it with his own power, causing another blast that took out a second insect and gave Shepard another burst of adrenaline.  The beam sliced through the ground inches from Shepard’s feet as he dove for cover behind a stack of crates. 

“You good?” Kaidan called from across the street as he leaned out of cover to fire on the assassin. 

“Yeah, I’m good.”  He tossed a warp at Kaidan’s target and the monster fell to the ground.  He stayed in cover for a moment, taking deep breaths, concentrating on holding up his barrier. 

No more biotics.  Not unless he had to. 

He whipped out of cover, firing hard on the nearest beast as he advanced forward, and it dropped as he slid behind a ledge.  Two left, two would be easy.  But when he glanced over the top of the ledge, he only saw one.  A look in Kaidan’s direction and Kaidan shrugged before lifting the beast off its feet. 

He heard it.  The smallest sound, a shuffle behind him, the crunch of dry grass under clawed feet.  He was too slow in his weakened state, and the thing was on him, bullets slamming into his barrier.  He turned, preparing to fire even as his vision blurred with pain from holding his defenses against the onslaught.  He burned a thermal clip without landing more than a couple shots, reached for another but his barrier was fading, he couldn’t, _he couldn’t_ \--

The assault stopped.  He shook his head to clear his vision, forced his barrier back into full strength.  Kaidan was running toward him, panic in his wide eyes, and the thing lay dead at Shepard’s feet, a hole clean through its skull. 

“Shepard,” Kaidan panted as he crouched down beside him.  “You alright?” 

He nodded shakily, leaning back against the ledge to catch his breath.  It took a minute but he recovered, pushed himself to his feet to look around. 

“That wasn’t me,” Kaidan said, straightening to toe the collector with his boot.  “Looks like backup’s arrived.” 

Sure enough, Garrus was perched atop a far building, sniper rifle gripped in his talons.  He gave a lopsided salute before leaping off the roof and disappearing from sight. 

Lilith was sprawled in the center of the courtyard, not a meter away from an open pod.  The orange light tinged her skin and her eyes flicked back and forth between Shepard and Kaidan as they approached.  Kaidan knelt beside her and opened his omni-tool to check for injuries. 

“I’m assuming she isn’t a biotic.  The seeker swarms will be on her again in a second if we break the stasis.” 

“Unless we keep her shielded, yeah.”  He looked up at Shepard, frowning.  “L2s are too unstable to hold a field that big, at least for long.  You up for it?” 

He cursed under his breath as he scanned the area.  Maintaining his barrier was proving difficult enough, he wasn’t sure he could even get a field going, let alone hold it.  But it was a small colony; it couldn’t be too much farther to the defense tower.  A moment of consideration and he nodded, forcing a grin.  “Always up for a challenge.” 

Kaidan didn’t smile back, just turned his frown on his omni-tool.  A few more taps at the thing and he returned the nod, locking eyes with Shepard.  Shepard counted his breaths again, building energy in his barrier with each deep draw in.  As Kaidan’s power encircled Lilith, Shepard pushed outward with everything he had, forcing the edges of the field away from his armor to stretch thin over the three of them. 

There was a scream, near-deafening on the quiet streets, and it was only when Kaidan scrambled to his side that he realized it was _him_ , body locked up again, agony searing every nerve, and his knees gave out as he tried to muffle his cries.  The field shrank, the top of it dropping dangerously low, and it took everything he had to hold it there, an amorphous dome trembling around them just as Shepard’s body trembled.  There was movement in his hazy vision, a glint of orange before the rush of that soothing gel through his system.  When he blinked his vision clear, Lilith was kneeling in front of him, looking about as worn as he felt as she closed down her omni-tool. 

“Thanks,” he managed between gritted teeth. 

“Thank _you_ ,” she breathed.  “Both of you.  They almost....” 

“We have to move,” Kaidan said, resting a gloved hand on Shepard’s shoulder.  “There’s no way they didn’t hear that.  Can you walk?” 

He nodded, but when he tried to push himself to his feet he faltered, careening to the ground, the edges of the barrier sweeping precariously close.  It took a shoulder under each arm to get him upright, and they moved like that as quickly as they could, Shepard’s boots dragging over the dry grass.  He wasn’t sure how they got there, or how long it took, or if Kaidan’s voice in his ear was real or some strange hallucination ( _almost there, you can do this, you’re so strong, John, stay with me_ ) but they ended up in a dimly-lit server room, heavy doors sealing them in on both sides. 

“No bugs,” Lilith sighed in relief and Shepard let the barrier die around them.  They lowered him to the floor and he leaned back against the wall, gasping for breath.  Hands fumbled at the seals of his helmet, lifted it over his head, and whiskey eyes found his. 

“You’re doing good, John.  Just breathe.” Shepard could hear the pride seeping into his voice as he popped the clasps on his gauntlets and a warm hand slid around the back of Shepard’s neck, digging fingertips into the tense muscles there.  Shepard let out a whine, tried to move away from the pressure, but Kaidan held him in place easily with a hand on his chest, his fingers working into the muscle until it relaxed under the touch.  Shepard groaned as the hand moved higher, smoothing out the tension at the base of his skull.  A little higher and it was hovering over his amp jack, massaging the sensitive scar tissue around it, and Shepard’s eyes fell shut at the feeling before Kaidan coaxed them back open to meet his.  “I’m going to try something, okay?  It’ll probably feel pretty weird, but I think it might help.” 

Shepard nodded again, too weak for anything else, just wanting more of Kaidan’s soothing touch.  And he got it, the hand on his chestplate coming up to cup his jaw.  “Hold still, okay?”  But before he could agree Kaidan’s brown eyes flared vivid blue, and a tingling began along the scar tissue that tore a whimper from him.  It built and built and built until Shepard couldn’t stand it, tried to drag the hand away from his oversensitive skin, but before he could something snapped and he gasped as everything came rushing in. 

_Weird_ didn't cover it.  It was like....  It was like he wasn't alone.  His body was his own but Kaidan was there, inside of him, occupying his nerves and his muscles and his blood and his bones, until _Kaidan_ hummed through his body and _Kaidan_ tangled with his being and _Kaidan_ and "Kaidan," he panted, hips bucking forward as he pressed back against the hand. 

It was perfect, the way they melded together, how Shepard could feel every part of Kaidan in every part of him and there was nothing hidden, no piece of the man he didn’t want with every screaming inch.  Kaidan was everything, everything he’d craved for as long as he could remember and god, it was bliss, wrapped up in each other with Kaidan’s hand on the back of his neck and his raw power coursing through Shepard’s veins. 

“I’ve got you,” he felt Kaidan say from somewhere within him.  “Just relax.” But relaxing wasn’t an option, body straining for new reasons, fists clenching and toes curling and everything trembling until it was too much and not enough and he flared, blindingly bright, as his back arched and his lungs heaved and _Kaidan_ , oh fuck, _Kaidan_.... 

The whole event only lasted a few seconds but when the hand pulled away Shepard was left impossibly hard in his suit, choking back moans the shape of the man’s name.  The feeling didn’t disappear when the hand did but faded slowly, ebbing away until the other man was a whisper across his rejuvenated body and he could open his eyes again. 

Kaidan was waiting for him, with a smirky smile and warm warm eyes.  Lilith had the decency to turn away from them, setting to work on one of the servers, and Shepard took advantage of their brief privacy to steal a kiss, one kiss, hot and desperate and far too short, before he was on his feet with only a little help from Kaidan. 

“What can we do from here?” he asked Lilith as he approached her to peer over her shoulder.  He didn’t know why he bothered; he wasn’t good with tech. 

“Not much,” she said grimly.  “We’ve got control of the main power grid from here, but that doesn’t help us much.  Except....”  A bit of fiddling, and she nodded triumphantly.  “There.  I’ve diverted power away from the residential blocks.  Without power, the doors are sealed shut.” 

“I’m guessing it won’t take long for that beam to cut through,” Kaidan said at his back, “but it should slow them down.  Good thinking.” 

It was more than good thinking, Shepard realized, it was the best defense--the _only_ defense--they could offer the people of Horizon.  He knew his crew was on the streets, fighting like hell to save the colonists, but he also knew that it wasn’t going to be enough; some of them would be taken, some of them would be lost.  A shiver ran through him at the thought, the horror of it, being trapped in your own skin wanting nothing more than to cling to your loved ones while those _things_ carry you away--

He couldn’t stop it all, couldn’t save them all, but he could save some, maybe most of them if they hurried.  Helmet back on, barrier back up, they gathered together, and he pushed outward until the field enveloped the three of them.  His body shook with the effort of maintaining it but he held strong, kept his feet moving as they made their way out of the server room. 

As the door slid shut behind them, static burst through the comm in his suit, loud enough to start a ringing in his ears as he scrambled to turn the thing off.  But before his trembling fingers could find the controls the static broke, giving way to an oddly soothing voice.  “Shepard,” EDI purred into his ear, “I have patched the hard link in your suit into the Normandy’s short-range comms.  You now have communications with the rest of the Normandy’s crew.” 

He sighed relief as they pressed forward.  Maybe having an AI on his team wasn’t such a bad thing.  “Thanks, EDI.  There’s someone here with me, I need you to patch him through, too.” 

“One moment.  I am currently tasked to capacity.” 

He was about to ask what she was so busy with when something slammed into him, sending him stumbling backward and the dome wobbling precariously around them as a horrific lifeless groan fogged his mind.  Strong hands on his shoulders shoved him down into cover behind a short barricade when bullets started flying. 

“What the hell was that?” Lilith hissed beside him.  Kaidan peeked up over cover, and when he came back down his eyes were a little wider and his face a little paler.  “What is it?” 

“I don’t know,” he said as he readied his assault rifle, “but it’s not good.  And we’ve got husks coming our way.” 

“Husks?  What are--” 

But her question was answered before she could finish asking as a husk rounded the corner behind her, swinging its dead arms at her head.  Her shield broke on the second hit and she tumbled forward into Shepard, stunned.  He fell back on his ass, throwing Kaidan off his aim, and the dome lurched sideways to expose Lilith’s legs to the bugs.  The husk staggered forward again as two more came into sight. 

“Shepard!” Kaidan shouted in his ear, and with a grunt of effort torn from his gut Shepard forced the field back out.  The sentinel fired, standing up to burn a thermal clip on the monsters until their fragile bodies broke apart.  As soon as the husks were down he dropped back into cover, activating his omni-tool.  “This is the last of my medi-gel,” he said in a brief pause before dispensing it into Lilith’s system. 

While Lilith regained herself and Kaidan fired over the edge of cover, Shepard used what little focus he could spare to work the suit’s comm.  “Garrus, do you read me?  We need backup.  We have a civilian here, and we need to get to the defense towers.  We’re under heavy fire.” 

“Copy that,” came Garrus’s voice through the static.  “We’ve got a bit of a tussle here ourselves, but we’ll be there soon.  Hang in there.” 

Lilith was up, shield reactivated, looking tired and beaten and angry as hell.  In a surprisingly quick move, she pulled Shepard’s pistol from its holster and expanded it with ease. 

“Hey, what are you doing?” Shepard snapped, barely restraining himself from snatching for the gun.  “Stay in cover, we’ll handle this.” 

She shook her head, jaw set firm as she popped in a thermal clip.  “You can’t fight, not while you’re keeping this thing up.”  She gestured to the field.  “I’m a good shot, don’t worry about me.”  And before he could protest further she was leaning out of cover to fire on the collectors.  Shepard didn’t lift himself up to see if her shots had landed, but he could tell by the break in the assault that at least some of them had. 

So it went like that, Shepard pressed down behind cover, itching for a fight even as the ache in his muscles grew and the throbbing behind his eyes returned, while the other two took turns unloading thermal clips into the beasts, carefully dodging shockwaves and ducking back down to reload.  Kaidan was obviously tiring, his biotics growing weaker and more infrequent, but his aim was as good as Shepard remembered and the awful death moan stopped as the thing finally went down. 

Shepard hazarded a look over the barricade to find two collectors standing, and even as he watched one was taken down by a wavering biotic blast.  The last collector turned to face them fully, gun raising, sending them all diving back down for cover.  But the shots never came; it was just a voice, echoing metallic off the buildings and reverberating through his bones.  “I will direct this personally.” 

“ _What the hell is that?!_ ” 

There was no time to answer even if he could as something flew over their heads, bright and slow and searing hot even from a couple feet away.  As soon as it passed Kaidan was on his feet again, gathering power across his skin to release it in a blast more powerful than the previous ones.  It took him time to build, though, and he was too slow to dodge the next strike of light, this one tinged with black.  It hit him square in the chest, and the force of the impact had them both stumbling backwards.  Shepard landed on his ass again but this time he held his focus, kept the barrier from shifting too far. 

When he looked up, Kaidan’s armor was _burning_.  His shield broke and there was a flash of panic on his face before he dove back down behind the barricade, the next fireball narrowly missing his head.  He sucked in a breath and squeezed his eyes shut as he forced his biotics up against the heat.  It smoked out after a few seconds, his shield reactivating shortly after, and he sighed heavy relief as he let his biotics die.  There was a moment, no longer than a couple heartbeats, where they looked at each other, Shepard quietly concerned and Kaidan all empathy and admiration, and a cool metal gauntlet came up to trace the line of his jaw before Kaidan was shoving himself up out of cover again. 

But he didn’t fire like Shepard expected, and a glance over the barricade told him why.  There was nothing there.  Whatever it was was gone.  He turned to give Lilith a questioning look just in time to see her closing down her omni-tool, looking harrowed. 

“What happened?” 

She shook her head, a bit unsteady.  “I-I don’t know.  It just disintegrated.  I incinerated it and it just....” 

“Hey.”  Kaidan dropped to his knees beside her, placed a hand on her shoulder.  “It’s gone.  You did good.  Where’d you learn to do that, anyway?” 

“Uh.”  She shrugged, half-stunned.  “My dad.  He was a marine.  Taught me a few tricks.” 

“Well, you probably just saved our lives with that trick.  Any father would be proud.” 

She managed a weak smile through her daze.  “Yeah.  Thanks, Kaidan.” 

They gave her a moment to collect herself but there was already too little time, so after Kaidan hauled Shepard to his feet they were off, slow and steady across the pavillion, sidestepping the corpse of a giant tumored monstrosity that churned Shepard’s stomach to see.  When they reached the buildings, Kaidan spoke, barely above a whisper but so loud in the haunting silence.  “Shepard.”  He had a frown lining his brow and twisting his lips.  “Those were husks back there.” 

“Yeah,” Shepard huffed, slightly winded from the few steps they’d had to climb.  To his relief Kaidan stopped long enough to tuck his shoulder under Shepard’s arm and take some of his weight. 

“The collectors are working with the reapers,” he said as they started forward again.   “Your files said that, but this is... this is _proof_.” 

“Yeah.” 

“The Alliance brass can’t ignore this.  They’ll have to listen to you after this.” 

“I think you overestimate them.” 

But maybe....  Maybe they _would_ listen.  Maybe there was a chance the brass would come to its senses if they saw this.  Maybe.... 

Kaidan was about to argue--Shepard could tell from the twitch of muscles in his jaw--but something stopped him.  He stilled, eyes wide and distant focussed on something Shepard couldn’t see. 

“Kaidan.”  He pulled his arm free of the sentinel’s grasp to stand in front of him, and Kaidan’s eyes slid shut on a trembling inhale.  “Hey, what is it?” 

The answer came after a few breaths passed, brown eyes opening to startle him with their intensity.  “The _Normandy_ , Shepard?” 

EDI must have patched him through, then.  Shepard nodded, nearly started up about communicating with the rest of the crew, but the look on Kaidan’s face stopped him.  Rage, the kind Shepard had never seen on those carefully controlled features. 

He knew he’d forgotten to mention something.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fight continues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Elevatordancer and Voluspizzaguy for helping me out! <3
> 
> Last chapter will be up tomorrow or possibly Tuesday depending on how long it takes me to fill a few gaps.

“The _Normandy_ , Shepard?”

Shepard tensed beneath the sentinel’s furious gaze, sore muscles going rigid again in anticipation for the oncoming storm.  The barrier flickered around them, their only defense against the paralysing bugs, growing weaker as Shepard did. 

“The Normandy _burned_.  What, did they... did they build you a new one?” 

“Yeah, they did.” 

“That’s a multi- _billion_ dollar ship.  And they just... built you a new one.” 

“Kaidan--” 

“Not to mention the cost of bringing you back.  How much have they invested in you, Shepard?” 

He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to ward off the pounding in his head, to no avail.  “I don’t know,” he admitted quietly, “but we don’t have time to worry about it right now.  We need to keep moving.” 

“How...?”  His anger faltered on something else, something that caught in his throat and hitched his breath.  “You died with the Normandy, John.  How am I supposed to believe...?” 

Shepard took an unsteady step forward, desperate to comfort the man, to put an end to this, to _keep going_.  Kaidan only stepped back, nearing the edge of the weak field around them.  “Kaidan....” 

“I can’t....  I can’t believe....” 

“Kaidan,” Lilith hissed, patience wearing thin even through her fear.  “I don’t care what you believe, _we need to keep moving_.” 

Kaidan was about ready to argue again, mouth open to let the words out, but he stopped himself, snapping his jaw shut.  He nodded, even as his eyes flashed outrage and grief, and pressed his shoulder under Shepard’s arm again. 

They made their way through the buildings to a large door.  Lilith set to work bypassing the lock while Shepard slumped against the wall, pulling his helmet off to catch his breath.  He was fading again, fast.  Muscles too worn, powers too drained, eyelids too heavy to go on much longer. 

His exhaustion must have been obvious because Kaidan stayed close, eyes still bright with anger and confusion and wariness, but there was concern there, too.  “Defense tower’s just through here.  How are you holding up?” 

He felt like a pissed-off krogan had taken up residence in his skull, but Kaidan wasn’t in the mood for similes.  “We’ll get there.  Sooner would be better.” 

“Almost through,” Lilith assured him as her unsteady hands moved over the wires. 

Static broke on the comm, followed quickly by Zaeed’s gruff voice.  “Hey, Shepard.  Where’s the party?  You promised us blood.” 

A quick scan of the area found Garrus and Zaeed perched on the building above the trio, staring down at them through the scopes of their sniper rifles.  “Too slow, Massani.  Turns out we found a scrapper.” 

“What the hell's a scrapper?” Garrus asked. 

Zaeed’s rasping chuckle sounded over the comms.  “A ball-buster.  Oh right, guess you turians don’t have balls.  A fighter.  Their civilian’s a fighter.” 

“Ah.  See, on Palaven we just call those ‘turians.’” 

"Go help the colonists, but stick close," Shepard said as he pulled his helmet back into place. "Who knows what we'll find on the other side of this door."

"You got it,” Garrus said before jumping down and disappearing from sight, closely followed by Zaeed. 

"We're in," Lilith called as the door slid open. 

The area looked clear as they moved forward, nothing but a mess of crates between them and the defense tower.  But as they neared that terrible moaning started again, deep and rasping and more like death than anything Shepard had heard before. 

“Shit,” Kaidan breathed at his side, trying to move them faster, but Shepard was already hobbling as fast as he could.  “ _Come on_ , Shepard.  We need cover before--” 

A shockwave slammed them backward and Shepard stumbled to the ground. With all his focus on holding the field steady he didn't see the next one coming, and it hit him hard, tearing at his armor and lifting him off the earth and he was lost, didn’t know where he landed or how to get back or if Lilith was left defenseless again because he was too damn slow or--

Strong hands had his arms and pulled, dragging him over the dying grass to prop him up behind a crate.  Kaidan barked into the comms for backup as his hands worked over Shepard’s armor, checking for damage.  After a moment he nodded, satisfied, and leaned out from behind the crate to fire on the monstrosities heading their way.  Lilith was on Shepard’s other side, he noted dimly, sending bullets and fireballs raining down on the beasts perfectly timed between shockwaves.  She was good.   _Really_ good.  Almost like she’d had training. 

But there wasn’t any time to consider it because something else was rushing toward them, a mass of something elses, cold dead limbs flailing out toward them with each hollow grunt the horrors released.  There were so many of them, even after Kaidan toppled a few of their decayed bodies, and the three of them were surrounded, the husks too powerful in their weakened state.  Each hit landed brought more pain to his body, more gray to his vision, more confusion to his mind and the field was wavering, he couldn’t keep it up, it was too much, it was all too much.... 

His helmet was gone and he didn’t know how but a hand fell on the back of his head, too warm and soft to be a husk but he shouted anyway, body tensing under the assault as the hand found his amp jack.  It was rougher this time, starting as a burn and building agony in his skull as Kaidan _forced_ his way past Shepard’s defenses, needling his biotics into the adept’s until they gave and the pain broke, and there Kaidan was again, in his body, melding with his flesh and his power to send waves of pleasure crashing through him on each bright pulse across his skin.  The hand didn’t stop until he flared, a hoarse cry shattering his lungs as the light exploded from him, and then it was gone, leaving him panting and writhing and painfully hard for a few seconds until he came back down. 

When he opened his eyes the husks were gone, bits of their bodies strewn around them and dead black blood coating his armor.  Kaidan was still beside him, breathing hard in his helmet as he slid his hand back into his gauntlet.  “Sorry,” he whispered when he caught Shepard’s eyes on him.  “Should’ve asked.” 

Shepard just shook his head, too worn for anything else.  The ache in his muscles had faded with Kaidan’s intrusion, but this time he was left more drained than before. 

“Those _things_ are getting close,” Lilith said as she peered over the top of the crate.  Blood was streaming from her nose and her skin was covered in gashes and quickly-forming bruises, her hands trembling as they gripped the pistol, but her voice was strong.  “We need to move.” 

But he couldn’t even get his legs under him. 

One of their shoulders under each of his arms and they hoisted him up, half-limping and half-jogging to the next cover, narrowly avoiding the next shockwave blasted toward them.  They collapsed behind a truck, only a few more feet between them and the monsters than before.  “We’ve got to keep going,” Kaidan hissed, but Shepard just shook his head again.  The barrier was failing.  He couldn’t move, couldn’t think, couldn’t--

“Hey, Shep, what took you so long?” 

The voice made both of his companions startle beside him, but Shepard just sighed with relief.  “Kasumi.” 

She appeared beside Kaidan, just outside the boundary of the withering biotic field.  The sentinel jumped at her sudden appearance but regained himself quickly to stand and fire on the monstrosities that were slowly drawing nearer. 

“This the guy?” she asked, eyeing Kaidan from beneath her hood as she fiddled with her omni-tool.  “He’s a looker.  Even better in person.” 

Shepard might have been embarrassed if he weren’t on the edge of blacking out.  “No time,” he choked.  “Ogle later.” 

“If you insist.”  She smiled coyly at him as she pulled something free from her belt.  She handed it to Shepard before starting back at her omni-tool.  “There you go, as requested.” 

Stim packs.  Shepard wanted to kiss her, but he settled for a grunt of thanks.  His hands were too shaky and he dropped the small packs, vision too faded to see where they went.  Lilith grabbed them for him, and Shepard let his eyes fall shut as she attached one to his omni-tool. 

The effects were almost instantaneous, veins dilating with the burst of adrenaline, pain forgotten as the rush took over, the barrier humming back to full strength around them.  When he opened his eyes again his vision had cleared, and the trembling in his hands had stopped. 

Lilith was fumbling with her own omni-tool, and Shepard could tell the moment it took because she gasped, dropping her head back on her shoulders for a second before straightening up.  She passed a pack to Kaidan and he slid it into place with only slightly shaky fingers, sucking in a breath as it released into his system. 

Shepard pushed himself into a crouch and peered over the top of cover just in time to see Kasumi materialize behind one of the beasts to land a sharp blow to its back, and it tipped forward with a choking rattle to splatter its black blood across the ground.  She disappeared just as the second scion turned to face her, and uncloaked seconds later beside Kaidan again. 

“Move,” Shepard barked, grabbing his companions and dragging them with him as he ran for the next cover.  They barely had time to settle behind another crate before the thing turned its attention back to them, throwing another shockwave that narrowly missed Kaidan. 

Kasumi was beside them again, toying with her omni-tool, painted lips tipped down in concentration, but after a moment she grinned in triumph.  “There we go,” she said, hitting a couple more buttons on the device.  At once all three of their shields powered down, and a second later they flickered back to life.  “That should keep the bugs off you.” 

Lilith narrowed her eyes at the thief.  “ _Should_?” 

“Works so far,” Kasumi shrugged casually before disappearing again. 

Shepard let the barrier die out, and slumped back against the crate as relief washed over him.  He wasn’t sure how long he’d held it but it was longer than ever before, and with the seeker swarm’s toxin still coursing through his veins it was a miracle he was still conscious.  But the stim pack was enough to keep him going for a time, and after a moment of rest he flung himself up over the crate to release a warp on the scion.  Kasumi placed a sharp strike to its back, and as it stumbled around to face her something else hit it, setting the beast ablaze.  It fell with a hard thud, burning tumors splitting open as it hit the ground. 

“Well that thing was a peach,” Zaeed said over the comms, and Shepard spotted the snipers as they jumped from a high wall a hundred meters away.  “That all you got, Shepard?  Better than the last one, but I’m looking to get my hands dirty here.” 

“Gotta move faster than that, old man.” 

They met at the tower, the six of them, Zaeed scowling more than usual and Garrus’s face doing that thing Shepard was pretty sure was a grin while Lilith and Kasumi examined the tower’s controls.  “You could learn a thing or two,” Zaeed grumbled as he swung his rifle into place on his back.  “You kids think your gorramn legends--” 

“Alenko!”  Garrus slapped a taloned hand to Kaidan’s armored shoulder before holding it between them for a shake.  “Thought that was you.  What are you doing on Horizon?” 

Kaidan took the hand, quirking a smile, but that wariness was still there.  “I could ask you the same thing, Garrus.” 

“I’m saving it, of course.  What else would a turian be doing on a human colony?” 

Zaeed was the only one to laugh. 

Kasumi moved back over to them, shaking her head.  “I can’t make heads or tails of those controls.  The Alliance really did a number on them.” 

Shepard didn’t miss Kaidan's grimace at the words. 

"Commander," came EDI's voice over the comms, "My processes are near capacity, but I can offer some assistance.  I have established a link with the defense tower and identified the errors in the calibration software.  Repairs are possible, but it will take time.” 

“Shepard....”  Kaidan stepped in close, voice a low hiss between his teeth.  “Is that a VI?  A Cerberus VI?” 

He could already see it, the anger blooming, the hard set of his jaw and the furrow of his brow.  But they didn’t have time to argue.  The more time they wasted, the more lives would be lost.  “Not exactly,” he said simply before saying into the comm, “Do it.” 

“Defensive positioning is recommended.  I will not be able to mask increased power output.” 

It took him a moment but Kaidan got it, eyes going wide before narrowing to slits, and he barely contained the tremor in his voice when he spoke again.  “ _An AI_?  You just plugged a _Cerberus AI_ into an Alliance defense cannon?  Shepard, that’s--that’s treason!” 

The rest of the team had scattered, taking positions, and Shepard grabbed Kaidan by the arm and dragged him none too gently to share cover on the back of a truck.  “You have a better idea?” he asked as he dropped down to take shelter behind the thin metal rail. 

“We could have come up with something.  Something else, something that doesn’t involve granting Cerberus access to Alliance--” 

“How many people live on this colony, Kaidan?  Four hundred?”  His own voice was unrecognizable to him, twisted with anger and fear and grief.  “Every second we spend debating means more people taken.  And I can’t watch another colony go.” 

Whatever Kaidan had been preparing to say died on his tongue, and his eyes softened through his frown.  “Shepard....” 

Shepard shook his head, cleared his throat, and when he spoke again his voice was his own.  “You’ve been here a week and you haven’t been able to figure that thing out.  If the Alliance had pulled their heads out of their asses, we wouldn’t _need_ a Cerberus AI.” 

Kaidan’s expression soured, but there was no more time to argue because the collectors were there, coming in from above on their tiny, sickly wings, and those awful groans sounded again. 

Shepard didn’t have a gun but he didn’t need one, biotics back to full power.  A singularity easily took care of the husks that charged them, and after that he used it to rip collectors from their cover to be gunned down by whoever happened to shoot first.  The fight went fast, the six of them working smoothly together to take the bastards down.  At full strength Kaidan was a god, biotics more powerful than Shepard ever remembered, hands steady and aim dead-on.  He moved fast, timing his shots between biotic strikes, using every second to his advantage.  It was downright distracting, the way he moved, the fluidity of his body, his undeniable strength and grace, and Shepard found himself mesmerized between biotic blasts.  Kaidan didn’t seem to notice, channeling his obvious frustration into the fight so that by the time the last collector fell, he was panting and sweating but calmer, eyes softer, frown weaker. 

He dropped back down behind cover next to the adept with a huff.  “I don’t know, Shepard.  I don’t like this.  An AI, all these people from Cerberus....  Are you sure you can trust them?” 

“Kaidan, no one here is from Cerberus.  They were contracted for this mission, but they don’t work for them.” 

“Okay, _these_ people.  But what about your ship’s crew?  And you have another team out there, are they all just contracted, too?” 

“...No.” 

“So you have Cerberus operatives wandering the colony without supervision?” 

Shepard sighed, running a gloved hand over his scalp.  “Not exactly.  Mordin, report.” 

“Commander!” came the salarian’s voice through the static.  “Helping AI repair comm systems.  Not my area of expertise, but human tech inelegant.  Should be of some assistance....  Ah, yes, comm systems repaired.  Alerting Alliance.  Should send rescue team shortly.” 

“Good job, Mordin.”  He let himself relax a little, allowing a moment of peace at the words.  But Kaidan was still waiting for an answer, even as relief spread across his features at the news.  “What are Miranda and Jacob’s statuses?” 

“Killing,” Mordin said cheerfully.  “Have racked up impressive body count, many dead collectors.  This quadrant of colony quite busy.” 

“Good.  Keep it up, help as many colonists as you can.”  He turned his attention back to the man next to him.  “Alright, Kaidan?  They’re helping.  They’re trying to save this colony, just like we are.” 

Kaidan’s scowl was still in place, but he didn’t have time to argue as another wave of collectors came in from above. 

The stimulant was fading, far too rapidly, burning out in his system under the strain of the toxin and he was left feeling weak again under the hail of gunfire, his biotics fizzling out almost as soon as they left his hand, his eyelids going heavy as bricks and he had to fight to stay upright.  A drowsy glance at Kaidan told him the sentinel was fading too, but he kept going somehow, kept his gun on point and his biotics strong and _fuck_ , how did he _do_ that? 

Half the collectors were down when something changed.  Shepard forced himself up to throw a flimsy warp at the nearest collector but it didn’t land; instead the beast was lifted off its feet by some unseen force, and there was a flash of light as the thing’s skin _broke_ , light pouring from the fissures left in its body.  When it landed that voice was back, the sick metallic echo that drove through Shepard to start a wretched pounding in his chest.  “Assuming direct control,” the thing said, before it was turning its attention on Shepard, sending those blazes of fire at his head in quick succession.  He ducked before the first one reached him but the second struck the rail he hid behind, and the impact blasted him backwards to stumble out of cover. 

“ _Come on_.”  Kaidan’s voice, very near, and Shepard was jerked sideways by the arm, the heat of the next attack searing the side of his exposed face, and a scream tore from him even as he was dragged away.  Kaidan didn’t stop moving until he’d found them new cover, and when Shepard collapsed against it Kaidan was right there beside him, gauntleted hand coming up to grasp the adept’s chin.  He tilted Shepard’s head to inspect the injury, and even that small movement pulled the burnt skin painfully tight almost to tearing.  A whimper escaped him before he even knew it was coming and Kaidan released him, hand sliding down to curl against his chestplate.  “We need medi-gel over here,” the sentinel said into the comms and Shepard was pretty sure he didn’t like the look Kaidan was giving the right side of his face. 

How many times was that, then?  How many times had he almost died that day, how many times had Kaidan saved him?  Too exhausted for that kind of math but he would run the numbers in his head later, he knew.  He always did. 

Kasumi materialized beside him, working over her omni-tool, and she was gone again before the gel had time to take effect.  Shepard hissed relief as the pain abated, the skin cooling and slackening until it almost felt normal again.  Kaidan’s hand was back, bare this time, running warm fingers over the sensitive area for a brief moment before they were gone. 

“Area clear,” Garrus called through the comms, then a few seconds later, “Uh... scratch that.  More incoming.” 

With Kaidan’s help Shepard was back on his feet, using the stack of crates they hid behind to support his weight as he peered around the corner.  More husks were flooding their way.  He tried for a singularity, but it was snuffed out before it landed, the effort of even that renewing the tremor in his body.  He fell to his knees when the first blow hit, to his back on the second, and--a flash of blue, those horrible gagging noises....  When Shepard pushed himself to sitting, the husks were gone, and Kaidan was doubled over beside him, panting hard. 

“Thanks,” Shepard managed.  Kaidan just nodded, sucking in deep breaths to steady himself. 

They didn’t bother trying anymore, leaving the fight to the rest of the team as they settled in behind the crates.  Too exhausted, too beaten, neither could muster the strength for combat anymore.  It wasn’t long, though, before Garrus was announcing the area free of collectors, and with great effort they pulled themselves to their feet. 

“Commander,” EDI said in his ear,  “I have encountered a problem with the targeting matrix that will need to be addressed on-site.” 

The group met in the middle again, the biotics limping over on shaky legs to lean heavily against the tower.  Kasumi and Lilith set to work on the controls, following EDI’s instructions to reroute power. 

“You two doing alright?” Garrus asked, voice laced with obvious concern as he eyed the biotics. 

Shepard nodded weakly.  “We’ll make it.  Could use another stim pack.” 

“That was all Chakwas had,” Kasumi frowned as she manipulated wires into place. 

He cursed under his breath.  “Okay.  We get any more company, it’s on you guys.  I’m out of the fight.” 

“Yeah, not so tough now,” Zaeed said, sounding pleased.  “We got you covered, princess, don’t you worry.” 

Shepard didn’t have time to come up with a clever response because something was landing, something huge and menacing, with long sharp legs and four glowing eyes, and it hissed and screeched as it turned toward them, hovering over the ground. 

“Move!” 

And he did, hobbling toward cover on legs made of jelly, but he wasn’t fast enough and it struck him, a cutting beam of light, slicing through his shield and his armor and his skin and _deeper_ , down to the bone and he couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, but he had to, had to keep moving, almost safe.... 

But it stopped, just like that, the searing light gone from his flesh as the pain throbbed on.  There was a shriek, piercing, almost inhuman, as crippling as the gaping wound in his side and he keeled over as warm wetness spread beneath his armor.  Through the haze of pain he saw Lilith in front of him, the beam cutting through her even as she crumpled lifeless to the ground. 

And then the world went black.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doubt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally going to be a small thing to help me work through some feelings about what happened on Horizon in the game, a few pages at most. It ended up being the longest story I've ever completed at just over 30,000 words. I'm so thrilled that I actually completed it and I'm so happy to have shared it with all of you.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading. To get more than 1,000 hits on my first longfic before it's even completed--it's exhilarating! I hope you enjoyed this adventure with me. And I hope you like the ending :)
> 
> Also, thank you to Voluspizzaguy for helping me out with the last couple chapters, and Elevatordancer for being an awesome beta and muse throughout!

The room was dark when he entered, the only illumination the artificial sunset of the Citadel, spilling in from the small shaded windows.  The air was cold in its emptiness and he cursed as he fumbled for the light.

He wasn’t supposed to be alone here. 

The place was small, smaller than his cabin, with bare walls and worn carpets and cheap furniture that must’ve been as old as the Citadel itself, if he had to guess.  The most an Alliance salary could afford, he supposed, but the bathroom had a tub and the bed was soft, and after sweeping the place for bugs he took full advantage, hot water soothing tense muscles and stinging the small scrapes still left on his body.  He tried to relax, sinking down into the tranquilizing warmth with eyes closed, but in the silence he couldn’t ward off the creeping thoughts he’d tried avoiding. 

_“I see you’ve recovered.”  The Illusive Man lit another cigarette from his chair somewhere far away, his disturbingly bright eyes scanning Shepard’s form through the QEC.  “Good.  We have a lot to discuss about your little diversion to Horizon.”_

_Shepard pulled himself into parade rest, for no other reason than to keep his hands from clutching at the bandages beneath his shirt._ Recovered _was a bit of a stretch but he wouldn’t let the Illusive Man know that.  “Damn right we do.  That was no coincidence, the collectors showing up when they did.”_

_The smile he received sent chills down Shepard’s spine.  “There are no coincidences in war, Shepard.  Not where we’re involved.”_

A tremor ran through him at the memory, cold seeping into his bones even as the water heated his skin.  He’d had a moment of clarity then, when he’d caught the smug glint in the Illusive Man’s luminescent eyes, a moment where he knew with absolute certainty that he couldn’t trust them, couldn’t abide them, could never underestimate them again.  How could he stay, knowing how far they would go?  Knowing there was only evil there, that anything good, anything worth fighting for, would be tainted? 

That certainty had only lasted as long as it took him to get from the briefing room to the CIC, where Kelly gave him a rosy smile and informed him Miranda and Jacob both wanted to talk, and he was plunged back into doubt. 

The bath did little to soothe the tension, and the bed only offered thoughts of what was missing, but he managed to fall into a fitful sleep.  He was woken by a warm hand on his chest, followed by hot lips against his and burning eyes so close he could see the embers.  He tensed, lost between sleep and delirium, nightmares and fantasies, but it was only for an instant before he realized the fantasy was _real_ and he relaxed again, let the exquisite pressure sink him further into the pillows.  He’d forgotten how soft Kaidan’s lips were, how right they felt against his own. 

“Hey,” Kaidan breathed when he pulled back, the hand on Shepard’s sternum working slow circles through his shirt while honey-colored eyes traced the fading scars on his face.  “How long have you been waiting?” 

“Two weeks,” Shepard mumbled, still half-asleep. 

Kaidan smiled as his hand moved lower, fingertips brushing over the ridges of muscle on Shepard’s stomach.  “I meant tonight.” 

“Oh.”  He blinked over at the clock on the nightstand.  “Three hours.” 

Kaidan made a little noise that sounded like apology before he was leaning down again, taking Shepard’s mouth, and when Shepard moaned forgiveness the hand moved lower, slipping beneath the hem of his shirt and back up to tease his nails over Shepard’s skin.  “Missed you,” the sentinel sighed into him as that hand drifted downward until it was palming him through his pants, the fabric suddenly far too tight. 

“Missed you,” Shepard managed around the welcome invasion of Kaidan’s tongue in his mouth. 

Those brown eyes turned wicked and Shepard could feel a smirk against his lazy smile for a moment before the kiss was severed in favor of movement, and the bed shifted as Kaidan settled over him, the pressure of the hand replaced by Kaidan’s hips flush against his.  That mouth was back, meeting his for the briefest of moments before trailing down his jaw, his neck, to the collar of his shirt, and then it was gone and the mattress was shifting again.  Shepard opened his eyes--hadn’t realized he’d closed them--to find Kaidan kneeling beside his legs, smirk expanded into a mischievous grin.  Nimble fingers found his belt and soon Shepard’s hardening length found another kind of tightness in Kaidan’s grip. 

There were things they needed to discuss.  They couldn’t ignore everything that had happened on Horizon, what Shepard had done, how Kaidan’s faith in him had faltered, if only for a moment.  And he was going to say as much, but then Kaidan’s mouth took the place of his hand and everything was lost besides the feel of wet heat sinking down his shaft. 

“K....  Kaidan, what are y-- _fuck_.”  His hips jolted upward on instinct when warm fingers found his perineum, applying light pressure to the sensitive skin.  Kaidan pulled back with a cough, free hand taking over while he caught his breath, but Shepard didn’t even have time to offer an apologetic smile before the man was dropping down again, working the head with eager lips and a talented tongue while the hand continued on his shaft, and he must have died in his sleep because there was no way he was this lucky, no way Kaidan still wanted him _this much_ after--

Coherent thought was as absent as air in his lungs when that perfect mouth moved down again and down, down until Kaidan’s nose was nestled in coarse dark hairs and Shepard could feel the man’s throat tight around the head of him.  Shepard sputtered, body still lax with sleep and tense with excitement held just on the edge of release, blue fizzing over his skin.  When Kaidan pulled back they were both gasping for air, both heavy-lidded and desperate.  Kaidan took the time to undo his pants and get a hand inside before he was lowering himself back down, lips parted on a moan Shepard hadn’t earned and then they were parted around his cock again, and Shepard was pretty damn sure he hadn’t earned this either but damn if he wasn’t going to enjoy it. 

Kaidan set a steady rhythm, his moans the melody to the beat he kept with hand and mouth, and Shepard was too tired to make the song last, pressure building too quickly.  He reached down, tugged Kaidan’s hair in warning, too far gone for words.  The sentinel took him deep again, tongue working along the underside of his shaft as as the muscles of his throat worked the tip and that was all Shepard could take.  He came, hoarse shout heaving his chest as his biotics cracked around them and his pleasure pulsed down Kaidan’s throat. 

He was still panting when Kaidan stretched out on the bed beside him, trailing swollen lips along Shepard’s jaw as he lazily stroked his own erection.  Once Shepard had control of his limbs again he reached over, swatting Kaidan’s hand away to take its place while he found Kaidan’s mouth.   _Beautiful_ was the only way he could describe it, the brown eyes fluttering so close to his blue, the little gasps and whimpers Kaidan let escape as Shepard pulled him roughly, the taste of himself on Kaidan’s tongue.  Beautiful and perfect and everything he would cling to for as long as he could. 

“John.”  It was sighed out as Kaidan tensed up, the air heavy with his power and he crested, coming in Shepard’s hand and trembling against his body. 

“Shit, K,” Shepard breathed, wiping his hand clean on the sheets before wrapping himself around the sentinel.  “What was _that_?” 

Kaidan chuckled breathlessly against his neck, the deep rumble and hot breath sending tremors through him.  “I’ve been wanting to do that for years.  Didn’t get the chance, last time.” 

Shepard hummed content as Kaidan’s hands slid around his sides, working under his shirt to rest at the small of his back.  “Good way to wake up.” 

“Good way to fall asleep, too.  How long can you stay?” 

“Normandy’s shipping out in the morning.” 

He felt the smile against his neck, as drowsy as his own.  “Then we have plenty of time.  Go back to sleep.” 

Warm and sated, they curled around each other, and Shepard couldn’t resist the draw of slumber. 

*** 

_A cutting beam, slicing through his body, leaving him bleeding and useless on the ground.  Tries to drag himself to safety but arms aren’t working like they should, muscles gone slack and bones too heavy, and all he can see is her lifeless form, grey-green eyes still in their sockets above the gaping wound left by the slashing light._

He jerked awake, body trembling and heart hammering in his chest.  He was covered in blood, could feel its wet warmth across his skin, seeping into the fabric of his clothes and trickling down his forehead to break on his lashes and blur his vision.  Didn’t know whose blood it was, maybe the black blood of those monstrosities, maybe his own, maybe hers.... 

_“There are no coincidences in war, Shepard.  Not where we’re involved.”_

He sat up, pushed himself to the edge of the bed, wiping his eyes clear with the heels of his palms, and when they came away they were clean.  No blood.  Just sweat, salty and bitter and stinging. 

Deep breaths to calm his racing heart.  Deep breaths to soothe his panicked mind. 

“Shepard.” 

The voice was too close and he started, ready to throw a biotic-backed punch, but arms snaked around his waist, not violent or rough but gentle, loving and the tension drained from him when he remembered where he was. 

“Bad dreams?” Kaidan murmured in his ear, hands stroking his belly through his shirt.  Shepard nodded, a tiny movement, and Kaidan sighed against his shoulder before tugging him backwards.  “Come here.” 

Shepard obeyed, shifting back up the bed until he was half leant against the headboard and half in Kaidan’s lap.  The trembling stilled in the Kaidan’s grasp, heart rate slowing, and his breathing fell in sync with the sentinel’s as a hand traced nonsense patterns on his back.  Eyes closed, he just sat there, soaking in the feel of the warm body, the soft touch and kind words whispered to him. 

He didn’t deserve this, and he knew it.  But he took it, selfishly, took everything Kaidan gave him. 

His eyes opened when he felt fingertips brush across the burn scars on the side of his face.  Kaidan was studying them, the tightened skin that spread from behind his ear to reach dangerously close to his eye.  “Healed up nicely.” Kaidan’s lips quirked up at the edges before he leaned in to press a kiss to the scar tissue at his temple. 

“Yeah.  Chakwas said the scars should fade, too.  In the meantime Garrus keeps insisting he started the trend.  I think he's worried I'll get all the credit if it becomes the new fashion statement,” he said, managing a weak smile. 

Kaidan smiled back, all patience and empathy.  “Yeah, I noticed his new look.  How’d he get it, anyway?” 

“Took a missile to the face.” 

A surprised laugh, a shake of the head.  “Tough bastard.” 

“And he won’t let me hear the end of it.” 

Kaidan chuckled against Shepard’s shoulder, hot breath raising bumps beneath the drying sweat.  His hand slid up Shepard’s spine to rub at the muscles in his neck, easing the tension that still remained from the dream.  Shepard let out a little noise of pleasure and let his head drop forward, giving the hand better access.  “You’re wound tight, John.  I think we should do something about that.” 

All Shepard could do was grunt in agreement as Kaidan’s hand worked upward, kneading stiff muscles until they smoothed beneath his touch.  Fingers under his jaw tilted Shepard’s head up to find Kaidan’s lips waiting for him, a tender kiss placed to the corner of his mouth.  Another kiss to the other corner, and when Shepard smiled Kaidan covered it fully with his own.  The hand massaging the back of his neck slid higher, pressing into the muscles at the base of his skull, fingertips brushing sensitive scar tissue, then higher to rest his palm over the amp jack. 

_Something snapping and everything rushing in--Kaidan humming through him body and soul--dead arms landing brutal blows, a hand on the back of his head--Lilith beaten and bruised, “We need to move”--her body crumpling to the ground before him--_

He’d gone rigid again.  Kaidan felt it, tensed up a little bit too before pulling back, hand dropping away.  Worried brown eyes sought his but he couldn’t meet them. 

“Shepard--John, are you okay?” 

He tried to say yes but he choked on the word. 

“John.”  Kaidan’s hands were on his shoulders, turning him gently, and when Shepard finally built the courage to look him in the eye there was guilt there alongside the concern.  “Is this because I...?  I should’ve asked, I’m so sorr--” 

“No.”  Shepard’s voice was rough and uneven, but he managed.  “No, it’s not that.  That was....  You did what you had to.  And it wasn’t....” 

“Okay....”  His hands slid down Shepard’s arms to tangle their fingers together, and he brought one of Shepard’s hands up to press a soft kiss to his knuckles.  “Talk to me.  What’s wrong?” 

“It was my fault, Kaidan,” Shepard blurted, voice barely more than a whisper.  He was back to avoiding the man’s gaze, staring down at the bedsheets by his feet.  “A quarter of the colony was taken because of me.” 

“Shepard, _no_.”  Kaidan’s voice was firm, unwavering, and his fingers tightened around Shepard’s.  “I was there.  I saw what you did.  You fought so hard to save Horizon--if it weren’t for you and your team, the whole colony would’ve been lost.” 

He shook his head.  “If it weren’t for me, Horizon never would’ve gotten hit in the first place.” 

Before Kaidan could say anything else, Shepard was up, disentangling their fingers and pushing off the bed.  His pants were still hanging open, and he took the time to tuck himself away and button up with shaky hands before he started pacing the small room.  How was he supposed to tell Kaidan this?  How would Kaidan look at him after he knew? 

“I knew it was a bad move, going to see you.  I should’ve just left it at the letter.  Or just... let you move on with your life.  But I needed you to know I was alive.  And I....” 

“You led them straight to Horizon.”  Kaidan’s voice was tight, controlled, but Shepard could hear an edge to it. 

“No.  I didn’t have to.”  He stopped in his pacing, forced himself to face the sentinel.  Kaidan was sitting on the edge of the mattress, pants done up, scowling down at his hands in his lap as he tried to work it out.  “There’s a Cerberus operative stationed on every major colony.  Horizon included.” 

Kaidan looked up then, eyes going wide before narrowing on the adept.  His hands clenched into fists and his voice was dangerously low when he spoke.  “You mean Cerberus is working with the collectors?” 

“No.  No, god, they’re not working with them.”  Shepard moved back to the bed and slumped down beside Kaidan, making sure to leave him some space.  “They wanted a jump on the collectors.  And they used me to get it.” 

The worst part was, it was a good plan.  Ruthless, but smart.  He didn’t know that they would ever catch up with the collectors, not without bait--and he was the best bait they had.  They’d gained invaluable information on Horizon, knew a little more of what they were facing now.  And if the collectors had hit a different colony, there wouldn’t have been anyone left, just another ghost town left to crumble to dust.  He knew all that. 

Still, one hundred lives.  One hundred people, gone, because he was impatient and bull-headed as usual. 

He dropped his head in his hands, trying to ward off the guilt.  Three hundred more were alive because of him, and his crew, and Kaidan.  That counted for something.  It had to. 

A hand came to rest between his shoulderblades, rubbing gentle circles through the fabric of his shirt.  He wanted to turn into that hand, grab it and pull Kaidan to him, but he held himself back. 

“John,” Kaidan sighed, nearer than he had been, and Shepard lifted his head to find intense eyes on him.  “You can’t stay there.  I _know_ you can’t.  They’re bad people, it’s no place for you.  They almost got you killed on Horizon.  They could have gotten the whole _colony_ killed.” 

“I know.  Believe me, I know.”  The hand moved up and around to cup his cheek and he leaned into it for a moment, eyes fluttering closed, before he forced himself to his feet.  “There’s something you need to see.” 

He found it at the bottom of his bag; another OSD.  This file had been given to him, not snuck away from the Cerberus databases on the Normandy.  He passed it to Kaidan as he took up his spot on the bed. 

It was Lilith’s file.  Cerberus operative for the last five years.  Born and raised on Horizon.  Two years training at a classified location before returning to the colonies.  Assignment: assess well-being of colonies and report on status; report suspicious activity; defend colonies at all cost.  Deceased 2185 in collector attack.  Shepard had it memorized. 

He watched Kaidan’s face as he sorted through it on his omni-tool, watched as realization dawned and the anger set in.  Watched as that was stripped away to be replaced by a kind of hurt and loss and confusion that Shepard had never seen there before. 

When Kaidan was done reading, he closed his omni-tool and sat, just staring at the bare wall for what seemed like an eternity.  Shepard wanted to wrap him up in his arms as Kaidan had done to him, wanted to curl into him and hold him close and share in his pain.  He settled for a hand on his knee. 

“I knew her,” he whispered finally, voice raw, eyes unfocused.  “I mean, I was only there a week, but....  She was the only one who gave me the time of day.  And now I find out she was a... a traitor.” 

Shepard shook his head, trying for patience.  “She was a colony kid, just like me.  People on the fringe, they don’t have a lot of trust in the Alliance--the Alliance doesn’t do a whole lot for them.  Leaves them to their own devices, most of the time.  You might think of it as treason, but when it comes down to it, joining Cerberus was probably the best way she could protect her home.  She was trying to _save_ Horizon.  Just like we were.  And she... Christ, she saved my life.”  A deep breath to calm the tremor in his voice, and he found his fingers laced with Kaidan’s again, his heat warming Shepard’s chilly skin.  When he started again his voice was steadier, staring down at their entwined hands.  “I want out, Kaidan.  Cerberus isn’t a good place to be.  But it’s where I _need_ to be.  Lilith, the people I work with....  There are good people, who need my help, and I can’t turn my back on them.” 

“They made their choice, Shepard.” 

“So did I.” 

Silence. The seconds ticked by, and with each one Shepard’s heart grew heavier.  He couldn’t make Kaidan understand.  He hardly understood it, himself. 

Finally, Kaidan turned to him, eyes bright with determination.  “Then I have, too.” 

Back to taking deep breaths, just trying to hold himself together.  He couldn’t let go of Kaidan’s hand, couldn’t meet his eyes.  “If....”  He nearly choked on the thought.  “If that means I can’t see you again, I’ll understand.  I don’t want to make this harder for you.” 

Before Shepard knew what was happening he was flat on his back on the bed, a hot body covering his, a dexterous tongue working its way into his mouth.  He gasped in surprise before relaxing into it, hands moving to ball the fabric of Kaidan’s shirt in his fists.  He clung to him, pouring his desperation into every touch, every whimpering sound he let loose beneath Kaidan’s skin.  If this was the last time, he wouldn’t waste it.  He would hold onto it as long as he could. 

When Kaidan pulled back he was smiling, a sad little thing, while he ran fingertips over the scars on Shepard’s scalp, and Shepard knew this was it, this was the end.  He would never get to see Kaidan like this again, never get to kiss him, to feel him.  After that night, they would be strangers again, as if none of this had ever happened. 

No, worse.  He’d had a taste of what this could be, of what they could be to each other, and now to lose that... it was worse than never knowing. 

“I’m coming with you, John.” 

Shepard’s heart stuttered in his throat.  “Wh-what?” 

Another kiss, a quick brush of lips, and Kaidan sat up, giving him enough room to breathe.  “I already cleared it with Hackett.  The Alliance....  They don’t know what to make of what happened on Horizon, but Hackett knows what the real threat is.  He wants me fighting this thing, not tangled up in the Alliance’s mess.  So he fired me.” 

“ _What_?” 

“It’s not permanent,” he pressed on.  “An Alliance officer travelling the Terminus Systems could start a war.  But... I’ll still be reporting to him.  On Cerberus, and the collectors.  This is deep cover.” 

“Kaidan....”  His head was spinning.  He couldn’t wrap his wearied mind around this.  “No.  You can’t.  This mission is suicide.  I can’t risk you, I can’t let you--” 

He was silenced by two fingers pressed to his lips, quickly replaced by Kaidan’s mouth.  He made such a persuasive argument that Shepard was speechless when they broke apart again. 

“I can’t lose you again,” Kaidan murmured, tracing the scar at Shepard’s jaw with a soft caress.  “I can’t trust them, and with how much they invested in you, I’m not even sure I can trust that they don’t have some way to control you, but... I trust _you_.  And if you’re going to win this, you need people you can put your faith in.  Now you have me.” 

Shepard couldn’t argue with that, even if he wanted to, so there was no more arguing.  Instead there were lips and tongues and hands and clothes torn off and skin on skin and names sighed into the dark as they flowed together, a hand on the back of his head as Kaidan moved inside him, the perfect match, and Shepard would never have to let this go, never have to let _Kaidan_ go.  So he didn’t, clung to him as they reached completion and held on tight when sleep came. 

***

The ship wasn’t his.  They may have handed over the reigns, but the SR-2 would never belong to him; it had Cerberus’s tech, Cerberus’s crew, Cerberus’s logo scrawled across its surfaces.  He could never feel at home there, not like he had on the SR-1.  He wasn’t sure he could trust half his crew, the AI managing their defense systems, even the walls that surrounded him.  But the moment Kaidan set foot on the Normandy, Shepard had something, just one thing, that was his, that Cerberus couldn’t touch. 

And that was enough.


End file.
